After the School Bus
by SuperMeganFoxyAwesomeHot
Summary: It's been 5 years since Ms. Frizzle's field trips, and the class has been able to maintain a close friendship. The scary world of high school, however, is now upon the group. How will the group dynamic change between popularity, puberty, and homework? Basically, my take on the typical high school story. Enjoy!
1. At The Beginning

Chapter 1- At the Beginning

High school- an elitist, dog eat dog battle between lost, confused, hormonal teenagers; a monster that devours innocent, naïve children and turns them into cynical, distrusting, pissed off young adults; the ideal setting for a story written by an uncreative author too lazy to write an actual book; and right now, an inescapable fate for freshman Dorothy Ann Ewing, an girl of 5'5 with an eternal tan, slightly wavy blonde hair, and an unquenchable thirst for knowledge. Dorothy Ann, DA for short, had heard about the horrors of high school from her older sister, and while Carrie Ewing was known to exaggerate, DA didn't doubt that there was some truth to the tales the 20 year old told.

Standing in front of Walkerville High, Dorothy Ann felt like one of her microscope slides, just waiting to be analyzed. What would her peers think of her? Sure, she was a good student, but smarts alone wouldn't be enough to see her through the next 4 years. Sighing, DA fixed her pleated skirt one last time before standing up tall and entering the school. Maybe, if she could convince everyone around her that she was confident, she would convince herself along the way.

Upon entering the large, gray building, DA immediately found herself submerged in an ocean of unfamiliar faces. Pushing through the crowds, DA pulled the schedule that had been mailed to her out of her pocket, as well as her locker info. She analyzed the lockers around her, hoping to figure out which direction to turn. After searching blindly for a few minutes, DA stumbled upon her small, blue locker proudly displaying the digits 134 and smiled. So far, everything was going much more smoothly than she had planned. Maybe, if things carried on at this rate, she would be able to get to her first period class early and get her books organized-

"SCHEDULE SNATCH!"

DA groaned. After 5 years classes together, and- dare she say it- close friendship, she still somehow forgot to factor the tall, toned Carlos Ramon into her plans. "Give it back, Carlos," DA threatened, holding out an empty palm to the boy in front of her.

"What fun would that be?" Carlos flashed DA one of his well known childish grins and looked down at her schedule. "Come on, we have Geometry together." Quickly, Carlos grabbed DA's open hand with his own and dragged her down the hall, barely giving the girl a chance to shut her locker. Despite herself, DA found herself barely suppressing a blush. Quickly, she caught herself and snatched her hand away.

"I am perfectly capable of walking down the hallway by myself," she complained, silently cursing herself for enjoying the moment of contact.

As the 2 entered the classroom, Carlos turned to DA. "I know," he answered, looking her seriously in the eyes, "I just thought it might be more fun to walk together." The 2 continued to stare at each other, and DA allowed herself a small smile. Seeing that she wasn't angry, Carlos perked up. "I like your outfit."

"R-really?" DA stuttered.

"Ya," Carlos held back a giggle, "it's really _acute._"

"CARLOS!"

Walkerville High was big, much bigger than his previous schools. And after 30 minutes of searching hallways, classrooms, and supply closets for his locker, Arnold Perlstein concluded that the school was too big. He would never be able to learn his way around, much less arrive anywhere on time. Grumbling, Arnold finally found his locker and entered the combination. Right to 36. Left to 12. Right again, this time to 27. Jiggle the lock, and…

"DAMMIT!" Arnold shouted as the lock remained shut tight. "Stupid freakin' piece of-"

"Locker trouble?"

Arnold spun around to see a tall, dark skinned girl with curly hair and deep brown eyes standing behind him, suppressing a snicker. He groaned inwardly, having hoped his tantrum had gone unnoticed. Seeing his frustration, the girl laughed once more. "Gimme that…" she commanded, snatching the paper with the locker's combination from Arnold. Smoothly, she entered the numbers and opened the locker. "You can thank me now.

Arnold glared at the girl. "I had it under control, Keesha."

"Sure…" the girl, Keesha, responded, the sarcasm dripping in her voice. "Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that Wanda's getting to lunch early to snag the gang a table, so look for us in the cafeteria. Assuming you can find it, that is." Satisfied, Keesha sauntered away, leaving Arnold to fume.

"It's going to be a long 4 years."

In the 5 years that had passed since their time in 's class, not much had changed for the 8 students. The group was still close, spending most of their free time together. DA was still the avid researcher, Carlos was still the jokester, and Arnold still found himself wishing he were at home more often than not. So while each of the kids heavily anticipated their time in high school, they were sure that they'd be fine, their friendship unaffected by the terror and turmoil that was high school.

What was the worst that could happen?

At long last, the bell rang for lunch, much to Phoebe's delight. The lanky teenager wasn't particularly hungry, nor had she hated her morning classes too much. Being around so many new faces, so many strangers, for such a long time always left her feeling on edge. Lunchtime meant friends, and friends meant familiarity. Clumsily, Phoebe squeezed through the halls, only stopping briefly at her locker to pick up her lunch and drop off her books. Not long after, she found herself in a large, crowded room- the cafeteria. Timidly, Phoebe walked through the hoards of students until she at last heard the familiar voice of Arnold Perlstein calling her. Breathing a quick sigh of relief, she approached the table, arriving just in time to hear Wanda telling one of her infamous stories.

"…it was just me and the beast, alone in the woods, when he leaped forward and- Pheebs!" Wanda exclaimed, just seeing the brunette. "Tell them about how I fought 'The Beast of Walkerville Woods.' Someone," she explained, closely eyeing Tim, "doesn't believe it happened."

Tim glared at Wanda. "Wanda, I seriously doubt you'd last 5 minutes in a fight against, say, Arnold, let alone a monster. Besides, you said you were alone."

"I was…" Wanda responded feebly. "I was all alone EXCEPT for Phoebe, who was also there. Tell him, Phoebe."

"Leave her alone, Wanda." Arnold threatened. The red-haired boy turned to Phoebe. "You can sit here, Pheebs," he told her, gesturing to an empty seat beside him. Phoebe flashed Arnold a grateful smile and quickly took her seat. "Sorry about Wanda," Arnold continued. "She's been feeling defensive ever since Tim called her out on being full of crap."

"I AM NOT DEFENSIVE!"

Tim and Arnold both rolled their eyes while Phoebe lightly chuckled and began eating her lunch. Soon enough, DA and Carlos joined the group, arguing over something or another, followed by Keesha and an exhausted Ralphie. Seeing his friends concerned looks, Ralphie offered a simple "math sucks" before collapsing face first into Phoebe's lunch.

"What's up with Ralphie?" Wanda asked, her mouth full of food as she prodded said boy with her fork.

Keesha shrugged her shoulders. "Dunno. He said something about a math teacher and running laps."

DA eyed the unconscious boy. "Should we wake him up?" She asked slowly.

Arnold stood up. "I would, but I should get going. I need to find room 225."

"Worried about getting lost again?"

"Shut up, Keesha."

Keesha smirked at Arnold's retreating figure. "Pretty Boy has a point. We should probably get going. Anyone else heading to gym?"  
Wanda leaped up excitedly. "Finally!" She exclaimed, "A class with someone hip!"

"Never say hip, Wanda."

"Fly?"

"No."

"Gangsta'?"

"Stop."

After the 2 girls had left, Carlos stood up. "Well, DA and I have English, so we should probably make a 'tasty' exit."

DA raised a brow towards Carlos.

"You know, tasty." Carlos explained. "Because our exit should be hasty, but we're in a cafeteria, so… tasty."

Quickly, DA got up and walked away from the table without another word.

"Wait for me!" Carlos shouted, chasing after the blonde. "We should walk together! We make such a great 'pear'!"

Back at the table, Tim shook his head. "That was bad. Anyway, see you later, Pheebs."

As Tim walked away, Phoebe turned her attention back to the still sleeping Ralphie. Realizing she couldn't wake him herself (Ralphie was universally known to be a deep sleeper. Once, the group was sleeping over at DA's house and in a failed cooking experiment, Wanda set the stove on fire. Ralphie successfully slept through the piercing fire alarm and the screams of his friends and couldn't be woken until the fireman used his hose to soak the boy.), Phoebe turned to call for Tim, only to realize that the boy was long gone. She looked back to the sleeping figure, then down to her now grumbling stomach.

"My food…"

Ever since the 6th grade, the friends would leave school after classes had ended and meet up at whoever's house was deemed most convenient. Normally, the 8 would end up at Arnold's welcoming 3-story abode, complete with pleasant decorations, expensive furniture, and a basement completely renovated solely for Arnold and his friends to hang out in. With no siblings to worry about and parents who were regularly at work until 6:00 p.m., the gang would be left alone to do as they pleased. This basement is where the group was relaxing that afternoon when an angry looking Keesha stormed in.

"I HATE MATH!"

Ralphie leapt up from his spot on the couch to face the girl. "Ms. Phillips?" He asked sympathetically.

"YA!"

"SHE SUCKS!"

"TOTALLY!"

"Whose Ms. Phillips?" Ralphie and Keesha turned to DA, their eyes raging.

"You don't know?" Keesha asked. DA shook her head. "Consider yourself lucky. She is the strictest, angriest, bitchiest, most sadistic spawn of Satan to ever roam the Earth!"

Ralphie nodded enthusiastically. "Ya, and she's mean!"

Arnold frowned. "I'm sure she's not that bad. I mean, let's be honest, the 2 of you are drama queens."

Ralphie and Keesha turned to Arnold, eyes wide and mouths agape.

"Me?" Ralphie sniffed sadly.

Carlos laughed. "Especially you! Dude, you're worse than Wanda!"

"Haha, ya! Wait, what?"

"Nevermind, Wanda. My point is, you guys are probably just overreacting." Arnold finished speaking and sat down, ignoring a confused Wanda who was trying to figure out what Carlos meant by is snide remark.

"OVERREACTING? I HAVE BATTLE SCARS FROM THAT SHE-BEAST!"

Keesha rolled her eyes. "Ralphie's not really helping our point. What we're saying is that we are totally reacting the accepted amount."

"YEAH! BITCHES BE CRAZY!"

"Ralphie…" Keesha growled.

"SORRY."

Arnold shook his head. "I don't buy it. Not to sound like my cousin, but why don't you prove it?"

"This isn't what I had in mind."

After the scene in the basement, Keesha and Ralphie had thrown together a plan to prove to Arnold that Ms. Phillips was, in fact, "psycho-bitch crazy" (in the words of Ralphie). Unfortunately, Wanda had helped to shape the plan, and so much to Arnold's dismay, it involved dressing in black, sneaking around, and hiding in trees.

"You wanted proof." Keesha responded bluntly.

"I meant, like, a recording of her flipping off the class, not a stake out of her house!"

Ralphie sighed. "Well, you should have made that more clear. Anyway, we're here now, so shut up, hide in that shrubbery, look through these binoculars, and try to resist the Monty Python jokes."

"But that plant is the perfect place for poison ivy to grow, and as you know, I am highly allergic-"

"Shut up or I'll taunt you again."

"But you didn't even taunt me in the first place!"

Groaning, Keesha looked down at Arnold from her perch in a large oak tree. "Do you want proof or not?"

"NOT! DEFINETLY NOT!"

Ralphie slapped his hand over Arnold's mouth, silencing the boy. "She's coming." He muttered creepily, motioning to a set of highlights approaching the house. "Into the shrubbery!" Ralphie then proceeded to throw Arnold into the plant and jump behind Keesha's oak in one swift motion.

"Ouch…" Arnold moaned.

"Shh!" Keesha glared at Arnold. "What we're doing here is highly illegal. Do you WANT to get caught?" After seeing Arnold silently shake his head, Keesha turned her attention back to the house. "And… She's in! Now, watch and learn, Arn!"

"I should have stayed home today."

After Arnold, Keesha, and Ralphie had gone out to spy, the 5 remaining friends decided to stay back at Arnold's house. Very quickly, however, Wanda became bored and suggested they play a game. Everyone agreed that this sounded like a good idea, forgetting that, despite his wealth, Arnold only owned 1 game- Monopoly.

"1…2…3…4…5… and 6." Wanda counted, moving her piece- the wheelbarrow (she got last choice of pieces)- onto Illinois Avenue.

"Ha!" Tim held his hand out to Wanda. "$750, please and thank you!"

Wanda glared at Tim. "No way you had 3 houses there! Last time I passed, you only had 1!"  
"Oh, I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of how rich I am!"

"You're cheating!"

"This is a land of opportunity, Wanda, change happens, houses get built. So, your cash, if you please."

"Asshole."

"Prostitute."

"I'M NOT A PROSTITUTE!"

"Well, you should be. If you were, you might have some cash."

30 minutes into spying, Arnold was bored. So far, Ms. Phillips had only made herself a sandwich and watched some television. Arnold rolled his eyes. "Wow," he muttered sarcastically, "you guys were right, she's a monster."  
"Yeah she is!" Ralphie stood up angrily. "She's rooting for the Yankees! HEY LADY, THE YANKEES SU-"

Arnold pounced on Ralphie as Ms. Phillips turned around. "Hello?" she called timidly.

From the bush, Arnold watched the woman sympathetically. "See, you scared her," Arnold scolded Ralphie.

Ralphie glared at Arnold. "Quit defending her, she's a man-eater!"

"Will both of you shut up?" Keesha whispered harshly towards the boys from her branch. "You're going to get us caught!"

Hearing a window open up, all 3 teenagers immediately froze. From her house, Ms. Phillips cautiously peeked out into the dark. "Whose out here?" She called nervously. The woman sounded so scared that Arnold was about to stand up and tell her the truth. Ms. Phillips, however, was a demanding person, and when her question wasn't immediately answered, something deep inside her head snapped. Picking up shotgun she had sitting near the door, Ms. Phillips screamed out her window. "I know you're out here! And when I find you, you're dead!"

Fearfully, Keesha, Ralphie, and Arnold turned to each other, their eyes conveying the same, simple message: _shit_.

"GIVE IT TO ME!" Wanda shouted, jumping onto the coffee table, hand extended towards Dorothy Ann.

Carlos snickered. "That's what she said- OW!" Tim had slapped Carlos across the back of the head.

"Dude, that joke's not funny!"

Eyes ablaze, DA proceeded to hit Tim in the back of his head. "LAY OFF HIM! HE'S FUNNIER THAN YOU!"

"I WASN'T TRYING TO BE FUNNY!"

"WELL… GOOD, BACAUSE YOU'RE NOT!"

Quietly, Phoebe stood up. "Um, guys… Shouldn't we, you know, finish the game?" Looking around, Phoebe realized that she was being completely ignored amongst her friends fighting. "I guess not…" She sighed. Phoebe always hated when her friends fought, though as they grew older it seemed to happen more and more often. She supposed it had something to do with puberty or hormones. Whatever the reason, Phoebe had learned long ago that not much could be done when the group was riled up. Generally, the best course of action tended to be to leave and hope that she didn't somehow get pulled into the conflict or knocked unconscious- both of which had occurred more than once due to group infighting. Silently, she calculated the safest path to the stairs. "Alright, I'm gonna go…Um…"

"WHORE!"

"GOLD DIGGER!"

"GOLD DIGGER? YOU'RE ONE TO TALK! WE'VE SEEN YOU COZYING UP TO CARLOS OVER THERE!"

Seeing that no one was paying any attention to her, Phoebe gave up on finding an excuse. "Oh boy…" she muttered before fleeing to the stairs. Maybe the basement would be safer in a few minutes.

Ms. Phillips gazed over her backyard. Her yard was her most prized possession, short of the fully loaded Remington 11-87 that she currently held in her hands. The grass was perfectly cut, not one strand taller than the rest, and irresistibly green. The lawn was littered with flowers of all types and colors, just varied enough to be beautiful without being overwhelming. And in the back of her yard stood the most perfect garden the teacher had ever known, full to the brim with carrots, potatoes, cucumbers, tomatoes, peppers, celery, strawberries, and countless other wonders. Yes, Ms. Phillips' backyard was perfect, a sanctuary in the middle of a world full of chaos.

Unfortunately, Ms. Phillips knew much too well that wherever there is light, there must also be dark, and so she knew the perfection could not last for long before corruption revealed it's dirty little head. Ms. Phillips knew corruption well- a groundhog visiting to eat her carrots, a vicious bee looking for it's victim but entering under the false pretense of "pollination," sometimes even the neighbors cat, confused and lost and only looking for some milk. Luckily, experience had taught Ms. Phillips that a quick bullet to the head (and the limbs and heart and back and colon and liver- she had made quite a mess of that bee) could take care of any trouble.

"Come out, little children!" Ms. Phillips growled, growing impatient. "LET ME MURDER YOU THE WAY YOU MURDERED MY PEACE!" Listening closely for a few minutes, Ms. Phillips decided that these little pieces of satanic corruption weren't going to move. "Well then," she chuckled, "I guess I only have one choice. MARK MY WORDS, MONSTERS, I WILL COME OUT THERE, FIND YOU, AND SLOWLY RIP OFF YOUR SKINS, ONE SMALL PIECE AT A TIME! I WILL TOAST YOUR TOES AND FRY YOUR FINGERS AND MAKE YOU WISH YOU HAD NEVER HAD THE THOUGHT OF BREAKING ONTO MY PROPERTY!" Screaming, Ms. Phillips jumped out her window and landed carefully on her feet. From her new position, she could easily spot the intruders- 1 familiar boy, though she couldn't remember from where, and 1 unfamiliar. Both boys were frozen, their eyes locked onto the teacher.

Ms. Phillips laughed once more, this time the noise roaring and bloodthirsty. "So, what have we here?"

The familiar boy gulped. "Um… The most diverse duo of Spy Kids you've ever met? Spy Kids who… uh… _don't_ deserve death because they love you so so so so much?"

Ms. Phillips frowned, her eye twitching. "That was rhetorical."

"Oh."

Ms. Phillips shook her head. "Anyway," she continued, pleased to see that the brief detour hadn't erased the fear in the 2 boys eyes, "Do you know what I do to intruders?" Only silence answered the psychotic teacher this time. "I KILL THEM!" Slowly, Ms. Phillips pulled up her Remington 11-87 and aimed it towards the first boy, the silent, red-headed one. "I used to have a red-headed son." She muttered towards the kids. "Do you know what happened to him?" The boy shakily shook his head.

The women sighed. "I came home from work one day and found him playing in my garden. Now he spends a lot of time _down in the dirt_." She faked a sob. "I almost miss him." Ms. Phillips moved her finger onto the trigger of the gun. "Oh well," she said nonchalantly, "What can you do?" Mentally, Ms. Phillips counted down in her head, preparing to pull the trigger. _3…2…and…1_!

"YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS?" Wanda screeched at Tim. "YOU'RE SO BUSY TRYING TO LOOK MACHO NOW THAT WE'RE IN HIGH SCHOOL THAT YOU ARE WILLING TO SELL OUT YOUR MORALS TO WIN!"

Tim snorted. "LIKE YOU HAVE MORALS!"

"EXCUSE ME?" Wanda glared towards DA. "AT LEAST I DON'T SELL OUT MY BODY FOR CASH!"

DA turned to Wanda, eyes widened. "Yes you do! ALL THE TIME!"

"SHUT UP! YOUR HAIR IS STUPID!"

"SO'S YOUR FACE!"

"MY FACE IS A BEAUTIFUL FLOWER ABOUT TO BLOSSOM IN THE FACE OF CONTROVERSY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!"

"Guys, I'm back- OOMPH!" As Phoebe descended the stairs carrying a bowl of Pretzels, she found herself knocked violently to the floor by an angry Wanda flailing her arms wildly."

"Oh my God, Pheebs, are you okay?" Carlos and Wanda rushed over to their fallen friend and helped her to a chair.

"I'm fine," Phoebe replied softly, "just… bleeding profusely… And feeling dizzy… And-"

"Guys, this is getting out of hand." DA exclaimed, standing up from her spot on the sofa.

"Good, because my face-"

"We need to stand together, listen to each other, and most of all, respect each other." DA continued.

Phoebe frowned. "Well, I'm glad for us, but my head is-"

"We have a difficult journey ahead of us- I should know, I've been taking high school level classes since 7th grade. The next 4 years won't be easy. However, we can't let our fear tear us apart." DA turned towards her friends and stood even taller. "I love you guys," she said strongly, making sure to make eye contact with each of her friends, "and I know that without each of you by my side, high school will be a living hell. So, what do you say we pack up this game, put our differences aside, and go out for ice cream? My treat."

"No." Tim put a hand onto DA's shoulder. "My treat."

"Guys…" Phoebe moaned. "I feel kind of tired… And my head-"

"Now, everyone," Carlos declared, standing up onto Arnold's coffee table, "It's _our_ treat."

"Yes," Wanda nodded, "We'll each pay because, gosh darn it, we are equals." Satisfied, Tim, DA, Carlos, and Wanda left the room to go get ice cream.

Sighing, Phoebe looked to the ground where her Pretzels were scattered.

"My food…"

_BANG!_

"MWAHAHAHA!" Ms. Phillips couldn't hold back a laugh. "At last-"

"Don't you 'mwahaha' us yet, lady."

Ms. Phillips quickly looked towards where the boy lay, only to find herself staring at a girl, her face also familiar, standing protectively in front of her perfectly alive target. "What is this-"

"I wouldn't yell at us." Keesha cut in confidently. "It seems your aim's a little off."

Ms. Phillips looked to the girl's hands where she held a thick math book, a bullet now embedded into the teaching resource. Her eyes widened at the sight of the familiar cover. "No…"

Keesha smirked. "Oh, yes."

"Oh yes what?" Ralphie piped in, his voice seemingly upbeat for a boy that nearly died.

"This isn't just any textbook," Keesha explained. "This textbook was provided to the school by Principal Adams, wasn't it Ms. Phillips?" Guiltily, Ms. Phillips looked to the ground. Seeing Ralphie and Arnold's faces still contorted in confusion, Keesha groaned. "You don't get it?"

Arnold and Ralphie shook their heads.

Keesha rolled her eyes, disappointment evident. "Think about it, guys. Ms. Phillips said her son has-er, had- red hair."

"Still not getting it."

"Guys, there're only 3 families in all of Walkerville with red hair! The Frizzles, the Perlsteins," Keesha gestured to Arnold, "and _the Adams_! The father of Ms. Phillips son genetically had to be Principal Adams! Well, Principal Adams or Arnold."

Ralphie scrunched up his face and looked at Arnold. "Really?"

"Yes, it's true, it's all true!" Ms. Phillips cried, throwing herself onto the ground.

"Ew."

Ms. Phillips sniffed. "35 years ago, when we were only a little older than you, Jonathan- Principal Adams- and I were madly in love. We got married the moment we could, and soon after we had a beautiful baby boy. Everything was wonderful, right up until Jonathan got promoted." Ms. Phillips voice turned from quiet to hard. "He became so consumed with his 'precious students' getting a 'good education' that he neglected me! That job tore us apart, and at the tender age of 27, I found myself divorced and left with a child."

"THEN WHY'D YOU KILL IT?" Arnold screeched, still slightly on edge after his brush with death.

Ms. Phillips frowned. "I didn't." She responded sadly. "I loved that kid more than anything in the world. And you know what he did? HE LEFT ME TO PERSUE AN EDUCATION! From that day on, I swore to get revenge on the establishment that destroyed my life!"

Ralphie shook his head in confusion. "So let me get this strait- you torture every student in your classes because you hate the school system?" Ms. Phillips shook her head sadly, only to be greeted with an unexpected laugh. "That's great!" Ralphie exclaimed.

"It is?" Ms. Phillips stared at her student.

"It is?" Keesha and Arnold echoed.

"It is!" Ralphie shouted once again. "Ms. Phillips, we hate school too!"

Ms. Phillips looked up at Ralphie, her eyes hopeful. "You do?"

Ralphie laughed again. "Do we ever! Ms. Phillips, why do we have to fight as enemies? It seems to me that the best way to knock the school system back onto it's metaphorical ass is for you to gives us absolutely no work and yet continue to pass the students!"

Keesha snapped her fingers. "He's right! And we're all winners- we pass math with no effort on our part, you get paid for doing nothing on your part, and the school system is exploited!"

Ms. Phillips looked back and forth between Ralphie and Keesha as a grin emerged on her face. "It's brilliant!" Quickly, she jumped up and pulled her 2 students into a hug. "Finally, I'll get revenge!" Laughing like a leprechaun on a sugar rush while under the influence of over the counter drugs, Ms. Phillips skipped away from the kids to do who the hell knows what.

Keesha shrugged her shoulders. "That went well."

"I'll say," Ralphie agreed.

"Everything always works out for you guys, doesn't it?" Arnold sighed.

"Pretty much."

"Yup."

Arnold nodded his head. "That's what I thought."

"And then," Ralphie told excitedly to the lunch table, "we convinced her that the best way to avenge her loss was to give us all A's and no work!"

Keesha nodded enthusiastically. "Hell, she even brought donuts to class today!"

Ralphie sat down. "Yeah…" He sighed dreamily. "I love math."

"Me too, mon frère, me too."

Tim looked at Keesha and Ralphie questioningly. "So, you hacked the school files to find Ms. Phillip's address, trespassed, spied on her, and made her cry, and everything worked out for you?"

"Yup!" Keesha answered smugly. "Maybe this will be a good year after all."

Well, there you go- my attempt at starting a MSB story! I hope you enjoyed it and that everything makes sense. Hopefully, I'll update soon. Thanks for reading!


	2. I Will Possess Your Heart

Walkerville was a small town, and as in any small town, not much happened. So when something did happen, the town tended to get pretty enthusiastic about it. Maybe it was because of this spirit, maybe it was the poor economy, or maybe it was the fact that Principal Adams always had trouble adjusting to the new school year- whatever the reason, every year on Labor Day weekend, a fair visited Walkerville and all the students got off of school that Friday.

Walking into Modern Philosophy on Thursday afternoon, a 3-day weekend laying just beyond, Arnold Perlstein was ready to leave. That Friday, he and the rest of the group had decided to visit the Walkerville Fair, and it was there that he planned to finally ask out his long time crush- Phoebe Terese. If all went according to plan, he could get her alone on the Ferris wheel, and at the very top, he would pop the question. Now all he had to do was make it through 8th period.

Modern Philosophy was an unusual class. Most students never even entered the classroom as most opted to take a more interesting elective. Arnold, however, figured that the class had to be safer than Band, which was full of heavy instruments, or Theatre with its splintering wooden sets. The teacher, Mr. Robinson, loved his job and his students. He was passionate about philosophy and worked hard to make his class fun (of course, not Frizzle fun). Arnold would've adored Mr. Robinson except for 1 little thing- Mr. Robinson was, much like every other teacher at Walkerville High, insane. Undeniably, off his rocker, crazy. And Mr. Robinson was out to drive his insanity into the heads of his beloved students.

"Chaos Theory," Mr. Robinson lectured, "is simple enough to understand. It explains that one action can be the trigger to an unruly chain of events. Basically, Chaos Theory tells us that the blame can always be pushed onto someone else, and thus, nothing is ever your fault. For example, Ms. Kayla here," Mr. Robinson motioned to a brunette girl in the front of the room, "looks like crap today. Can someone tell me why Ms. Kayla, who is clearly a very beautiful individual, looks like crap? Anthony?"

A toned wrestler behind Arnold stood up and cleared his throat. "Well, Mr. Robinson," Anthony began, "Kayla looks like crap because she failed to select a pair of pants that flatter her physique, and her shirt does little to pull the viewers attention away from her horrid case of acne."

"Yes, good job Anthony. But it's not Kayla's fault that she is a fashion nightmare. In fact, judging by that pack of tissues on her desk and that chocolate she's been devouring like a starved wolf on steroids, I would guess that Ms. Kayla is PMS-ing, which isn't her fault at all! Therefore, Kayla's fashion flub can be blamed on Biology and/or whichever deity you choose to follow."

Just as Mr. Robinson finished his lecture, the final bell rang. The class began packing their belongings to leave, and Mr. Robinson made a few final remarks. "Good afternoon class! And remember-" Mr. Robinson turned to make direct eye contact with Arnold.

"Nothing is ever your fault."

When Arnold arrived at his house that afternoon, he found Carlos and Tim already waiting at his front door. Seeing their friend approach, both boys leapt up from their seat on the doorstep.

"About time you showed up!" Carlos cried. "We've been waiting here for 15 minutes, and some of us desperately need to go to the bathroom!"

Arnold frowned. "The door wasn't locked."

"… You're kidding, right?"

"Nope."

Carlos thought for a moment before exclaiming "too desperate to care" and running inside.

Hearing Tim chuckle, Arnold turned to his friend. "You knew it was unlocked?"

"Not all of us are too stupid to check." Tim responded, smiling smugly.

Laughing, the 2 boys entered the house and walked down to the basement, where Tim collapsed onto the sofa to read his book and Arnold pulled out his homework, hoping to get some done before his other, more rowdy friends arrived. After a few moments of silence, Arnold looked up at Tim.

"Hey, Tim?"

Tim looked up from his book. "Mm-hmm?"

"Have you ever… You know… Liked a girl?"

"…As compared to liking a guy?" Tim frowned.

"No! Just a… general… wondering…"

"Oh…" Tim remained silent for a second. "You, uh… Do know that I'm not-"

"I know, I know!"  
"Good…" More silence. "Are you-"

"No-"

"Cause if you are, I'm totally here for you."  
"Really? Aw, dude- Wait," Arnold shook his head, "I'm not- No, I was just…" Arnold sighed, realizing that this conversation wasn't going how he'd planned. "I'm going to get some food." Arnold stood up and rushed out of the room, leaving behind a very confused Tim.

Relieved to be out of the basement, Arnold rushed to the kitchen, hoping his other friends would arrive soon. On his way to the kitchen, Arnold ran into a content looking Carlos.

"Dude, you have the best bathrooms!"

"Um… Thanks." As Carlos began to walk away, a goofy grin plastered on his face, Arnold turned to face his friend. "Carlos, have you ever liked a girl?"

Carlos' face immediately darkened. "What did Mikey tell you?"

"Nothing, I-"

"Because it's not true, we're just friends-"

Arnold threw his hand over Carlos' mouth. "Just- nevermind, okay?" Carlos nodded, and without another word, the 2 parted ways.

The rest of the day passed by with little other occurrence, although Arnold couldn't help but notice Tim carefully eyeing him when he thought he wasn't looking and Carlos occasionally muttering "he doesn't know" under his breath. The next morning, Arnold sprang out of bed. Looking outside his window, he happily noted that the sky was a clear blue, and only a gentle breeze blew. The day would be perfect.

"SHE'S SICK?"

Keesha shrugged her shoulders. "Her dad stopped by this morning, said she didn't feel too well. No big deal."

"NO BIG DEAL? No, Phoebe HAS to be here tonight!"

The 6 others teenagers shot Arnold a look of confusion. "Arn…" DA spoke slowly, "it's the Walkerville Fair. As far as fairs go, it's not that great."

Wanda nodded enthusiastically. "I heard that 3 kids died there last year from sheer boredom!"

DA rolled her eyes. "Wanda, that was the Walkerville Rodeo. The bull's name was Sheer Boredom."

"Ya, but still, scary stuff man."

Before DA could argue with Wanda any longer, Tim snapped his fingers, a knowing look coming over his face. "That's what you were talking about yesterday! You- MMPH!" Arnold threw his hand over Tim's mouth and laughed nervously.

"Hey, Tim," Arnold said awkwardly, "Ole' buddy, ole' pal, can I talk to you? ALONE?" Tim nodded, and Arnold pulled the boy away from the rest of the group. Once they were a good distance away, Arnold removed his hand from Tim's mouth.

"You like Phoebe!"

Arnold groaned. "Yes, but-"

"I knew it! You _love_ her!" He sang.

"Look, dude," Arnold grabbed Tim by the shoulders and looked at him, his eyes serious. "You can't tell anyone, okay?"

Tim nodded. "Sure, man, whatever you need."

"I was hoping you would say that," Arnold shot Tim a genuine smile, "because I need a favor…"

As Tim and Arnold walked back the group, Tim cleared his throat.

"Friends," Tim spoke loudly, his words clearly forced, "It has come to my attention that the Walkerville Fair is…" Tim paused to not-so-subtly peek at some messily scrawled notes on his hand. "…An important tradition that must be up… up…" Tim squinted at his hand. "Um… Upheld! Must be upheld at all times. Therefore, it is important that we bring Phoebe with us to the fair, regardless of ale… er, ailment."

"But the fair sucks."

"WANDA!" Arnold growled, only to realize that all eyes were now on him. "What I meant was…" Arnold sighed before speaking again. "It just doesn't seem right to go without Pheebs. You know, because we're a group and all that…"

DA smiled knowingly. "I think I see what you're saying." Delicately, she put a reassuring hand on Arnold's shoulder. "If it's that important to you, we'll go get her."

Arnold gave DA a small smile. "Thanks, DA."

Dorothy Ann grinned. "No problem. Now, where does Phoebe live?" DA glanced around only to be met by 6 blank faces. Groaning, DA massaged her temples with one hand. "Really? No one knows?"  
Wanda frowned. "We always go to Arnold's house…"

"You've known her FIVE YEARS and don't know her address?"

"Well, do you know it?" Carlos retorted.  
"Well, uh… We're… not that close?" DA offered.

Keesha rolled her eyes. "Chill guys, I'll just call her." Keesha pulled out her phone and quickly dialed a number. After listening for a few minutes, she nodded. "Just as I thought…"

Arnold perked up. "You got the address?"

"No, her phone's not working."

"Dammit." Arnold whined. "What now?"

Ralphie looked up at his friends and grinned, speaking for the first time. "Well gang, how about we split up and look for clues?"

Wanda groaned. "This sucks!"

"We know!" Keesha snarled. "You don't have to keep saying it!"

"But it _really_ sucks! We shouldn't even be here," Wanda pouted, "the fair opened half an hour ago!"

"Well, blame Ralphie and his stupid idea!"

Ralphie threw his hands up defensively. "Hey, this always worked on Scooby-Doo!"

"Whatever." Keesha glanced around the peaceful suburb the 3 had wondered into. "Where are we, anyway?"

Wanda looked at the houses thoughtfully. "I don't know, but these houses look kinda familiar…"

After a few seconds, Keesha's face became blank. "Wanda," she said quietly, "isn't this _your_ neighborhood?"

"Oh yeah!"

"Well," Keesha continued, her voice murderously low, "don't you think you would know if you and Phoebe lived in the same neighborhood?"

"Oh…" Wanda laughed awkwardly, "I guess so."

"So for the past hour, we've been looking around YOUR neighborhood and you DIDN'T REALIZE IT?"

"Well, I never come down to this part of it…" Wanda responded weakly. "I forget why-"

BARK BARK BARK BARK!

"Oh yeah…"

"Why couldn't the skeleton go to the party?"

"…"

"He had no-BODY to go with!"

DA groaned. "Carlos, that's not funny."

"Huh." Carlos grew silent, and Dorothy Ann mentally breathed a sigh of relief. "Wait, I got one!"

Rolling her eyes, DA groaned once again. "And you're going to tell it even though I'm moments away from strangling you?"

…

…

…

"Yes."

Tim looked down at his map of Walkerville. "So, if Clinton Avenue is here, then that must mean…"

"We're lost, aren't we?"

"We can't be lost, Arnold, we have a map!"

Arnold rolled his eyes. "Then where are we?"

"At the intersection of Clinton and- ya, we're lost."

Sighing, Arnold sat down on the curb. "Dammit…" he cried softly, his voice hopeless, "This is pointless."

Tim sat down beside his downtrodden friend. "I'm not gonna lie, Arn, tonight sucks. But there will be other chances to ask Phoebe out."

"You think so?" Arnold looked to Tim expectantly.

"Really?" Tim looked at Arnold, his voice tired. "You see each other every day."

"I guess…" Arnold muttered reluctantly. "It's just, tonight was going to be perfect, you know? And now it's ruined…"

Tim stood up and looked down to the ginger. "Dude, it could be worse-"

Just as Tim finished his sentence, a hawk swooped down and snatched the map from Tim.

"…Correction- NOW we're lost.

"So, Wanda, remind me again- why are we running?"

"Because I'm an idiot, I know, I know. Can't you let it go, Keesha?"

Keesha stopped running to turn to Wanda. "We are being chased by the most terrifying poodle I've ever seen in my life- what do you think?"

"You'll forgive me because experiences like this build character?"

Keesha rolled her eyes and looked around. "Crap," she muttered, "I think we lost Ralphie."

"Maybe Fluffy ate him." Wanda replied bluntly, also eyeing the scenery now surrounding the duo. "Anyway, looks like we got away; I don't see that mutt anywhere."

"Great," Keesha muttered sarcastically, "What do we do now?"

Wanda thought for a second. "The fair's open."

"Works for me."

After getting split up from Wanda and Keesha, Ralphie found himself running for another 15 minutes, an angry poodle right on his heels. At long last, he leapt over an old wooden gate, just tall enough to keep out the pest, and landed face first on a road he had never seen before. After catching his breath, Ralphie slowly looked around the street he now stood on. Unlike the suburb he had just come from, the houses lining the cracked road here were decrepit and weak, with chipping paint and dying lawns. Wincing, Ralphie pulled out his phone, hoping that his friends would know where he was and would be able to pick him up. With his luck, however, the phone's battery had died.

"Crap…" he muttered, evaluating his situation. He was definitely lost- he could try retracing his steps back to the Li's house, but he really didn't want to risk running into Fluffy the Carnivorous Poodle again. Maybe one of the homes around here would have a phone he could use. Still, he didn't know what kind of people lived here and he wasn't sure he wanted total strangers knowing that he was lost. Walking aimlessly didn't seem like a great option either; the sun had set and Walkerville was apparently larger than Ralphie had realized.

"I'm going to die here…" Ralphie breathed. "I'm going to die and my face will be eaten off by vicious dogs and no one will know it's me and-"

"Ralphie?"

"Alright, this is a good one- what do mountains hear with?"

After walking all over town listening to Carlos' endless supply of unimpressive jokes, Dorothy Ann had had enough. "Carlos, let me make this clear for you- either stop talking, or I will rip those vocal chords out of your throat and you will never tell a joke again, got it?"

"Chill, DA," Carlos glared at the girl, "I'm just trying to have some fun."

"Well, it's not working." DA stopped walking and sat down on a nearby bench.

"Well, maybe if _someone _would lighten up…"  
"I do NOT need to 'lighten up'!" Dorothy Ann glared at Carlos. "I just need to spend some time with someone who isn't a pain in the ass!"

"Whatever." Carlos sat down beside DA. "We wouldn't even be stuck here if it weren't for you."

DA's face turned from anger to shock. "Excuse me? How is any of this my fault?"

"You were the one who had to promise Arnold that we'd help him search!"

"Well, that's what friends do!"

"No, friends let each other go to fairs instead of on wild goose chases! Besides, Arnold's been crushing on Pheebs for years, he would've been fine for 1 more night."  
Suddenly, DA's face became sullen and she looked down at her hands, fidgeting in her lap. "This is pointless, huh?"

Sympathetically, Carlos placed his hand onto Dorothy Ann's. "Look, I know you had the best intentions in mind, but this is _beyond_ pointless."

"I guess you're right." Sighing, DA leaned her head against Carlos' chest, oblivious to the deep red blush coming over his face. "I just wanted to make sure that everything worked out between the group. Like I said in Arn's basement- I'd be lost without you guys."

Carlos lifted DA's head, allowing himself to make eye contact with her. "Everything will work out," he promised, "You don't have to be so afraid."

For a few moments, the 2 teenagers simply gazed into each other's eyes, and in that second, Dorothy Ann knew that Carlos had told the truth. Finally, DA pulled her eyes away from the boy and stood up. "Come on," she said, holding a hand out to Carlos, "I'll make it up to you. Let's go to the fair- my treat."

Grinning, Carlos took DA's hand and the 2 began walking away.

"Mountaineers, DA."

DA shot Carlos a look of confusion. "What?"

"Mountains hear with mountaineers."

"Carlos!"

After losing their map, Tim and Arnold decided to quit while they were ahead and head back to the fair. Luckily, the 2 hadn't gotten too lost and were able to locate Walkerville Fair pretty quickly.

"Do you think the others had any luck?" Arnold asked Tim, still not content with how quickly they had stopped searching.

"Yeah, sure," Tim replied, only half listening, "Hey, do you want some cotton candy?"

Arnold groaned. "What I want is Phoebe."

"I don't think they sell that."

"Look what the cat dragged in." Turning, the boys saw Keesha and Wanda approaching, hands full of tickets and junk food.

Arnold eyed the girls suspiciously. "How long have you been here? Did you find Phoebe?"

Keesha shook her head. "Sorry Arn, we got chased away by a poodle-"

"A German Shepherd." Wanda interrupted, eyeing Keesha closely. "A huge German Shepherd."

"Right," Keesha nodded her head, "A big, scary German Shepherd. Anyway, we've been here about an hour now."

"Wasn't Ralphie with you?"

Wanda shrugged. "Who can really say that someone was with anyone else?"

"You lost him, didn't you?"

"Like an adventure drama on ABC."

Arnold groaned. "So you just came here instead of looking for him?"

"Look, you're the one who wanted us to go on some insane hunt for your crush, he'd still be with us if-"

"Wait, Arnold has a crush on Phoebe?" Wanda cut in once more, a look of confusion on her face.

Shaking his head, Tim grabbed Wanda's hand and pulled her away. "Don't worry about it, Wanda."

"Okay!"

As the 2 walked away, Keesha and Arnold continued to glare at each other. "Look, this is not my fault!" Arnold shouted.

"How is this not your fault?"

Arnold thought hard for a second. "Well… I don't know… We haven't gotten there in class… But it's not!"

Rolling her eyes, Keesha shoved some tickets into Arnold's hands. "Just… Forget it, okay? Relax, let's have some fun."

Sighing, Arnold accepted the tickets. "Fine…"

Keesha smiled. "Good! Now come on, I bet Wanda that I could win one of those bears." Happily, Keesha dragged Arnold who was, as you guessed, wishing he had stayed at home that day.

"Ralphie?"

Quickly, Ralphie spun to find himself staring at a familiar figure leaning against a nearby mailbox.

"Phoebe?"

Phoebe furrowed her brow towards the boy. "What are you doing here?"

"Well, Keesha and Wanda and I were looking for you but we were in Wanda's neighborhood all along so Keesha got mad and then this angry poodle attacked us and we had to run for our lives and then the we got split up but the dog decided to keep chasing me and I was tired so jumped over that gate like James Bond or something except I was lost and my phone was out of power and I was freaking out but now you're here and- wait, you live here?"

Slowly, Phoebe nodded her head. "Oh…" Ralphie shuffled his feet awkwardly. "Well, could I use your phone?"

"Sorry," Phoebe said softly, "the phone isn't working right now."

"Right… Well, could I plug in my cell? I always carry the charger in case of- well, in case this happens." Ralphie laughed uncomfortably.

Phoebe glanced back to the house for a second. "Well… I suppose that'd be okay."

Silently, the 2 walked up to the small, dark house. Ralphie stopped at the door, unsure as to whether he should just walk in, and turned to wait for his friend. Watching Phoebe approach, Ralphie couldn't help but notice she was walking with a slight limp. Before he could comment, Phoebe pushed open the door and allowed Ralphie to walk inside.

On the inside, the home was nicer than Ralphie had expected. Only a few pieces of furniture lay about- a sofa and table in the living room, a bookshelf lining the wall, a small fridge and dining table complete with 2 chairs in the kitchen- but all were in good quality and worked well to create a cozy atmosphere. Looking towards Phoebe again, the girl motioned towards the kitchen, where the 2 sat down.

"You can plug your phone in there, if you want." Phoebe told Ralphie, pointing towards on outlet above the table.

Ralphie, who'd been lost in his own thoughts, looked confused. "Phone?"

"To charge?"

"Right." Ralphie gave out another awkward laugh. "Sorry, my mind was somewhere else…"

Phoebe nodded sweetly. "It's fine."

The room fell silent as Ralphie connected his phone charger to the outlet. Ralphie searched his mind for something to say.

"Did you know that cat urine glows in black light?"

Phoebe looked towards Ralphie, confused. "Um… No, I didn't."

Ralphie blushed and looked away. "I, uh… I don't know why I said that…"

"You recite random trivia when you get nervous." Phoebe replied, softly laughing. "Do you want some tea?"

"Oh, uh… Sure, totally. You know, if it's no trouble."

Now, Ralphie didn't actually like tea. He always thought the drink tasted like something that leaked from a car, and the appearance generally fit the part. However, Ralphie knew that tea was considered a dignified beverage of choice, and judging from the movies he had seen, men who drank tea instantaneously became more attractive. Even though Ralphie had no desire to seduce Phoebe with his manly, tea-drinking ways, he knew that she might mention something to the rest of their friends, and having a good reputation never hurt, right? Besides, he was a stereotypical teenage boy, and his chances of getting some were severely reduced if the school heard about him turning down sexy tea for a childish juice box (his preferred drink of choice).

Phoebe shook her head and smiled towards Ralphie. "It's no trouble, I was going to make some anyway." Slowly, she stood up from the table and wobbled over to the counter.

Ralphie frowned. "Is your leg okay? You kinda looked like you were limping earlier."

"It's fine," Phoebe answered quickly, "I just tripped before you showed up. Speaking of which," she turned towards Ralphie, "You never said why you were here."

DA sighed contently. "This is actually kinda fun, Carlos."

Carlos grinned at the girl. "I told you it would be!"

Currently, the 2 sat atop the Ferris wheel, enjoying the view of Walkerville. Originally, Dorothy Ann had had her doubts, seeing as she'd be riding with the least funny comedian she knew (except maybe Dane Cook), but Carlos had been surprisingly tame. DA glanced over at Carlos, who seemed to be deep in thought.

"What are you thinking about?"

Carlos sighed. "What do you think about this whole Arnold and Phoebe thing?"

DA frowned in confusion. "What do you mean? There's nothing going on between them…"

"I know that," Carlos paused for a second, collecting his thoughts. "What I mean is, Arnold wants to ask her out, right?"

"Well, that better have been the plan or else we just ran all over Walkerville for nothing."

Carlos gave a small smile before continuing. "Well, what do you think of 2 people who have been friends for such a long time suddenly… Well, you know… Just…"

"Dating?"

"That's the word."

Dorothy Ann thought for a moment. "I don't know," she finally responded. "I guess it's kind of sweet."

Carlos' demeanor perked up significantly. "Sweet, huh?"

"Yes, I suppose." DA replied, still deep in thought. "But it's also kind of stupid. I mean, you'd be risking that whole friendship because of a couple passing glances and the occasional brushing of hands."

"Oh." Carlos quickly looked away.

DA continued. "Still, I guess that you can't help who you have feelings for. And maybe it's worth it. Trading in friendship for something better- if it works out, it's completely worth the gamble." DA shook her head quickly. "I don't know, what do you think?"

"I think that you should always go after love, no matter where it is."

DA stared at Carlos in shock. "That was… Surprisingly deep."

Carlos grinned. "Maybe there's more to me than anybody realizes."

The 2 continued to stare at each other, simply taking in each other's features. Slowly, the 2 began to lean in closer to each other.

"CARLOS! DA!"

Groaning, Carlos and Dorothy Ann leaned over the edge of the Ferris wheel to see Tim and Wanda standing on the ground. Wanda had her hands cupped around her mouth to help her shout up to her friends, while Tim seemed to be trying to walk away.

"WHAT IS IT, WANDA?" Carlos yelled back.

"ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE OUT NOW?"

Awkwardly, DA and Carlos looked away from each other and willed the ride to end.

"So you came out here looking for me?"

"Well, technically I came out here because Poodles are unnecessarily violent. But ya, that's the general gist of it."

Phoebe looked down at her feet. "I didn't think you guys cared enough about me to go searching aimlessly through Walkerville for me."

"Neither did I." Ralphie shrugged his shoulders. "I thought we were all selfish, jaded asses with no concern for anyone else, but Arnold heard you were sick and freaked out- Wait! You're not sick!"

Phoebe's eyes widened as a blush came over her face. "I, er… I got better?"

"No! You lied to us!" Ralphie gasped. "For shame!"

"Well, technically my dad lied to you…" Phoebe responded weakly. "But he didn't know he was lying, so don't be mad at him!"

Ralphie sat down, clearly disappointed. "You're supposed to be the honest one, Pheebs. What's wrong? Don't you like us anymore?"

"No!" Phoebe answered, her voice sounding offended. "Of course not! You guys are my best friends, you know that!"

"Then why don't you want to come to the fair with us?"

"BECAUSE I CAN'T AFFORD TO, OKAY?"

Immediately, Ralphie lowered his voice. "What?"

Phoebe looked away ashamed. "Look, my dad lost his job, okay? We're a little short on cash at the moment- that's why we have no phone line."

"Why didn't you just say something? We could've given you some money-"

"No." Phoebe sighed and looked towards Ralphie again. "I don't want to cause you any trouble. Besides," she looked away again, "You've seen Arnold's house- hell, they all live pretty extravagantly. It's kind of embarrassing…" Phoebe took a step towards the table before quickly falling to the floor, grasping her ankle in pain.

"Oh shit!" Ralphie rushed over to Phoebe. "Are you okay?"

"I've been better." She muttered, teeth clenched.

"Right, of course. Um…" Ralphie gently grabbed Phoebe's leg and rolled up the pants cuff. "Well, there seems to be some swelling… What were you doing?"

Phoebe groaned. "I was just walking home from school and slipped."

Ralphie looked at Phoebe surprised. "You walk to school? You're, like, 3 miles away!"

"That's your biggest concern right now?"

"Oh, right." Ralphie shook his head and refocused. "Well, you probably sprained your ankle. We have to take you to the hospital-"

"I can't go to hospital!" Phoebe cried. "I can't even afford to go to the fair, remember?"

"Do you see any choice?"

Phoebe sighed dejectedly. "Fine… Well, how do you propose we get there? My dad's out, and we don't have a car anyway."

Once again, Ralphie turned to Phoebe surprised. "You don't have a car?"

"I'm a broke 13 year old girl who lives with her blind father- what do you think?"

"Sheesh, no need for the sarcasm."

"I'm sorry, but I'm in a lot of pain right now! My first priority isn't being friendly!"

"Chill!" Ralphie stood up. "I'll call my mom. Geez, you're kind of a bitch when you're lying on the floor in pain."

"RALPHIE!"

"Sorry!"

At the fair, Keesha finally allowed Arnold to sit down and relax at a picnic table in an empty corner. Relieved- the 2 had been walking around the random booths for quite a while now- Arnold fell onto the table. After having wandered the fair grounds for a good hour or 2, he wanted nothing more than to go home and curl up in his bed with a cup of hot chocolate and forget the whole evening had happened.

Sensing his dismay, Keesha quietly sat down beside Arnold. "You're not very good at having fun."

"I'm sorry," Arnold sighed, "I'm just a little out of it right now."

"You still wish Phoebe was here?"

Arnold looked away from Keesha. "I know you're trying to cheer me up," he said in a soft voice; "I've just been looking forward to this for a long time."

"Why was this such a big deal to you?" Arnold turned to Keesha, surprised. He opened his mouth to respond, but was cut off by the girl. "I know you like her and everything, but we're only in high school;" She continued, "We've got our whole lives to worry about dating and relationships."

For the first time that evening, Arnold let out a small smile. "I guess you're right," he said slowly.

Keesha grinned. "I always am."

Laughing, Arnold stood up. "Come on," he said playfully, puling up Keesha, "Let's go win you a bear and show Wanda whose boss."

Blissfully, the 2 friends headed back out into the fair.

45 minutes after calling his mother, Ralphie and Phoebe were sitting in the hospital, the latter with a cast now placed on her leg. Despite much protest on Phoebe's part, Ms. Tennelli had promised to deal with all the expenses and had left the teenagers to fill out the appropriate paperwork. Ralphie decided to stay back with Phoebe despite the initial awkwardness and now sat beside the bed she lay on. Noticing that she still seemed upset, Ralphie placed a hand on Phoebe's shoulder, just as he'd seen DA do for Arnold earlier that day.

"Don't be upset," Ralphie said reassuringly, "Always look on the bright side of life."

Phoebe looked to Ralphie sadly. "I know, but-" Stopping mid-sentence, Phoebe narrowed her eyes questioningly. "Are you trying to cheer me up through lyrics from a 1979 British comedy film?"

"You got that?" Ralphie asked, genuinely surprised. "No one ever catches that."

"Any Monty Python fan could catch that reference."

Ralphie suppressed a gasp. "_You're_ a Monty Python fan? Why don't we hang out more?"

"You've never wanted to hang out before…" Phoebe responded sadly. "No one ever does."

Gently grabbing her hand, Ralphie looked into Phoebe's eyes and began to sing.

"_Some things in life are bad, _

_They can really make you mad; _

_Other things just make you swear and curse._

_When you're chewing on life's gristle_

_ Don't grumble, give a whistle _

_And this'll help things turn out for the best..."_

Chuckling, Phoebe squeezed Ralphie's hand and began to sing along.

"_And... Always look on the bright side of life... _

_ Always look on the light side of life..."_

At the fair, Wanda ran from booth to booth excitedly. Tim chased after the girl, worried that she would get lost in the world of lights and bright colors.

Panting, Tim caught up to Wanda at a booth advertising balloon darts. "Do you have to run so fast?"

"I can't help it!" Wanda screeched, clearly suffering from a sugar rush after all the candy she had eaten. "There's just so much to see- OH, LIGHTS!" Excitedly, a hyper Wanda ran off to the next booth, leaving Tim to take 1 last deep breathe before chasing after her.

"_If life seems jolly rotten _

_There's something you've forgotten _

_And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing. _

_When you're feeling in the dumps_

_Don't be silly chumps _

_Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing._

_And... Always look on the bright side of life... _

_Always look on the light side of life..."_

A few feet back, Carlos and Dorothy Ann walked side by side, looking up at the starry night sky and blushing whenever their hands accidentally brushed. Bringing her attention back down to Earth, DA caught sight of Tim and Wanda running about and let out a light, airy laugh. Carlos smiled at the noise, and the 2 continued to walk in silence, blind to the world around them.

"_For life is quite absurd _

_And death's the final word_

_You must always face the curtain with a bow. _

_Forget about your sin - give the audience a grin_

_Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow._

_So always look on the bright side of death _

_Just before you draw your terminal breath"_

"YES!" Keesha threw her hands up in victory after finally landing a ring around the bottle she'd been aiming for. She quickly picked up her prize and rushed over to Arnold. "I got one, Arn!"

Arnold smiled at Keesha's excitement. "I knew you would, Keesh."

Keesha cocked her head to the side. "Oh yeah? How'd you figure that?"

"Well, if you didn't win a prize, you would've just threatened that man to hand one over." Arnold smirked at Keesha. "Besides, statistically speaking, there has to be something in this fair that you're good at."

Playfully, Keesha shoved Arnold. "Whatever, Pretty Boy. You couldn't win a prize if you wanted."

"Oh yeah?" Arnold looked around the fairground. "I'm pretty good at the Milk Bottle game."

Keesha crossed her arms and glared at Arnold. "Prove it."

Laughing, the friends rushed over to the nearby game.

"_Life's a piece of shit _

_When you look at it_

_Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true._

_You'll see it's all a show_

_ Keep 'em laughing as you go_

_Just remember that the last laugh is on you."_

Finally, Ralphie's mom finished with the paperwork. After some debate with Mr. Terese, who'd arrived 10 minutes earlier, the adults agreed that it would be best if Phoebe stayed with the Tennelli's until her leg healed. Tiredly, Ralphie and Phoebe got into the back seat of Ms. Tenelli's car, while their parents sat in the front, making plans for the next few weeks. Soon after sitting down in the car, Phoebe fell asleep, leaning her head onto Ralphie's shoulder.

Smiling to himself, Ralphie looked out the window, careful not to move his shoulder, and sang to himself.

"_And always look on the bright side of life..." _


	3. His Cheeseburger

**Is it a bird? A plane? No! It's an update! So with no further ado, let the storytelling begin!**

**September 25, 2012**

**12:30 pm**

**Walkerville High Library**

The library- a place of solitude. A fortress of knowledge. A far away land, dedicated to books and learning. Unlike my peers, lesser persons with no respect for classic literature, I found solace within the comforting grasp of the pages of the novels. The library was shelter to me in the storm that was high school, protecting me like a lion who was protecting something. No one ever came to the library; no one ever bothered me. Imagine my surprise when, in the middle of my book (1984 by George Orwell), I was disturbed by the cracking, prepubescent voice of one of my dearest companions.

"I need your help." I scrutinized Ralphie, taking in every detail of the boy's demeanor, much like a meerkat, searching the scorching African desert for any sign of a predator. Ralphie was as awkward as any 14-year-old boy, and well known for his obsession with pop culture. Despite our friendship, Ralphie and I rarely spoke, and I didn't know too much about him. Maybe if I had, I wouldn't have accepted his plea for help. However, naivety is the curse of mankind, and foolishly I assumed that helping my friend would encompass explaining algebra homework or giving advice in regards to some folly or another. I could never have imagined what would come next.

**September 25, 2012**

**12:35 pm**

**Walkerville High Hallways**

Briskly, I walked through the hallway, a puppy-like Ralphie eagerly on my heels. I had promised the boy that I would help him, but he insisted that the library was not secure. I was skeptical; I couldn't imagine anything that couldn't be discussed in the privacy of the library. Still, Ralphie was a friend- albeit, not a close one, but a friend nevertheless. I would hear him out.

At long last, we arrived at our destination- the men's bathroom on the 2nd floor, otherwise known as the most secure place on school grounds. I crept into the bathroom soundlessly, like a mouse who couldn't squeak a single squeak, and checked the stalls. Finding the bathroom satisfyingly empty, I motioned Ralphie inside. Ralphie crept in just as I had done, though sounding more like a mouse who was drunk and uncoordinated. Finally, we locked the door, settled in, and Ralphie spoke.

"It all started 20 minutes ago," he told me, voice dark. "I was in the cafeteria, as I am every day, only today was special- today was Hamburger Tuesday." I nodded. Everyone knew about Hamburger Tuesday; it was a well-established Tennelli tradition, dating back to the 1960's. Sensing my boredom with the story, Ralphie sped it along, his voice quivering like a leaf quivering on a tree, about to fall in a quiver-inducing wind. "Well, as I sat down, I felt something was wrong."

I frowned, confused by this story's plot- or, its lack thereof. "Was something wrong with the burger?" I inquired.

"No, I just really needed the bathroom."

Rolling my eyes, I stood up to leave. Anxiously, Ralphie leapt up from his spot and grabbed my arm. "Wait!" He begged, desperate to finish. "I'm desperate to finish!"

Sighing, I stopped walking and, being the outstanding citizen I am, I sat back down. "Continue," I muttered, "But make it quick."

"I left for the bathroom," Ralphie continued. "When I got back to the table, though, something was amiss- my burger was gone."

I narrowed my eyes at the boy, who was now squirming like a worm in the sun. "Someone probably just threw it away," I smartly explained, figuring the boy was simply overreacting.

"You have to believe me, DA!" Ralphie wept, dying for my help. "Someone stole my burger!"

I shook my head, wanting nothing to do with my friends' petty problems. "Why should I help you?" I folded my arms and glared at him, my face probably fierce like a tiger on the hunt.

"Because this is America, and if I don't have the right to eat a burger for lunch every Tuesday, then gosh darn it, we might as well be living in anarchy."

I thought hard over the boy's words in my head. He had a point- we _were_ in America, and this wasn't just a case over some hamburger- this was a matter of right versus wrong. What was just a burger today would be millions of dollars tomorrow, and all because I, Dorothy Ann Ewing, had been too selfish to help out a friend in need.

Reluctantly, I shook Ralphie's hand, and the deal was struck- I was officially lead detective in "The Case of the Missing Hamburger".

**September 25, 2012**

**12:45 pm**

**Walkerville High Cafeteria**

Recalling every episode of CSI that I had ever seen, Ralphie and I headed to the scene of the crime- the school cafeteria. Lunch had ended some 5 minutes ago, and the cafeteria was empty, save for the janitor who was mopping in the back corner. I marched over to the lunch table.

"You sat here?" I gestured to Ralphie's usual spot, the second seat on the left. Ralphie shook his head.

"Actually, I got to lunch late," He explained. "Wanda had already taken my spot, so I sat over there." He pointed to the chair on the far right. Normally, of course, I would've been sitting there, but finishing my novel in peace always took priority over lunch.

I wandered over to the chair. The spot was clean and empty. "Hmm… Suspicious," I thought aloud. I leaned down to take a closer look when I heard footsteps behind me. I spun on my heel.

"Well, if it isn't Tim "We've Been Frizzled" Hudson."

Tim chuckled, mostly to himself, and shook his head slowly. "Why, I haven't been called that in years."  
I crossed my arms. "Isn't it a bit late for you to be here?" I questioned, my voice slightly accusing. Tim was almost as intense about school as I was, and the thought of him arriving to class late was incomprehensible. Suspicious.

"I could ask you the same." He replied evenly.

"We're investigating a robbery."

"Won't you get in trouble for skipping class?"

Tim was playing games with me, a typical criminal tactic. I snapped. "We have a pass!"

Tim chuckled again. He was enjoying this- too much so, in fact. I narrowed my eyes. "Shouldn't you also be in class?" I interrogated, my voice cooler this time.

"Maybe…" Tim replied, his voice passive, as he feigned an interest in his nails.

Angrily, Ralphie leapt forward, closing in on Tim. "WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT?" He screamed, his face inches away from Tim's.

"With what?" A small smile crept onto Tim's face.

Breathing hard, Ralphie's voice became quite, the tone threatening. "You know what, you piece of shit."

Tim rolled his eyes. "Calm down, big guy." Calmly, Tim moved Ralphie out of the way and walked up to me. "Look, I may be able to help you out."

"We don't want your help!" Ralphie shouted. Tim paid no attention to the screaming boy.

I raised my brow. "What's the catch?"

Tim thought hard for a second. "200 dollars."

"100 and a ticket for the next Thor movie."

"Deal."

Tim and I shook hands, and the deal was official. "Now tell me what you know."

"So pushy…" Tim commented sarcastically. I gritted my teeth. I was getting tired of his games. "Look, that wasn't just any burger Ralphie had today. It was a Bucky's burger."

"And?"

"That's it."

My eyes flared, and I stepped menacingly towards Tim. "THAT'S ALL?"

"Wait, wait." Ralphie stepped between me and Tim, preventing me from harming the other boy. "Tim's right."

I took a deep breath, letting myself calm down. "So?"

"So," Ralphie explained, "Only a select few can handle a Bucky burger. Meaning-"

I snapped my fingers. "The thief must have been someone who likes Bucky's burgers!"

"Exactly!"

"Well then, let's get going!" I said enthusiastically. Our breakthrough had rejuvenated my spirit. I turned around to thank Tim, but the boy had already left. Shrugging, Ralphie and I left the building and started walking to Bucky's.

**September 25, 2012**

**1:15 pm**

**Bucky's Burgers**

"Welcome to Bucky's Burgers, the best burger bar in Walkerville. What can I get for you?"

"No burgers today," I told the boy behind the counter quickly. "We need some info, ASAP."

Ralphie shrugged his shoulders. "Actually, I could go for a burger…"  
"On an investigation?" I stared at Ralphie in disbelief.

"I missed lunch!"

"So did I!"

"We can order 2-"

I threw my hand over Ralphie's mouth and turned back to the cashier. "We need a list of all of Bucky's regulars."

The boy stared at me for a bit, his face confused, like that of a dog learning math. "What?"

"Your customers!" I shouted, losing my patience. "We need a list of your customers!"

"Oh, I don't think I can give you that," the boy finally replied, wiping his nose on his sleeve, "but if you want a burger-"

"I DON'T WANT A BURGER!"

"I'll take a number 2-"

"RALPHIE!"

"Sorry…"

The boy stared at us a bit longer, his eyes blank. Clearly, little thought was taking place inside his head. Sighing, I turned and began walking away. Ralphie quickly caught up to me. "Where are we going?"

"We're obviously not getting anywhere," I replied. "We need to get a-"

Suddenly, someone- or rather, 2 someones- caught my eye.

"-a move on…" I finished quietly as my voice trailed off. I quickly walked over to a booth in the back of Bucky's. In it sat 2 familiar redheads- the Perlstein cousins.

"Arnold, Janet," I addressed the cousins. They looked up at me, clearly surprised.

"Dorothy Ann? I thought you hated Bucky's Burgers."

I glared at Arnold. "Crime waits for no taste bud."

Arnold stared at me for a couple seconds, seemingly confused. "What are you talking about?" He asked, as if he didn't know. "And why is everything in black and white?"

I slammed my fist onto the table. "Don't play coy with me, boy! You know what I'm talking about!"

"I don't, I swear!" Arnold threw his hands up defensively. "I just- wait, are you _radiating_ jazz music?"

Ralphie shrugged his shoulders. "It's a detective chapter."

"Chapter?"

Janet stood up and leaned in towards me. "Back off, bitch," she threatened. "We're just a couple of civilians enjoying a burger and some refreshing Kool-aid."

"Really?"

"Oh, yeah."

I scoffed. "Sure, Janet. You mean to tell me that you had nothing to do with Ralphie's missing burger?"

"Are you accusing me?" Janet gasped.

I crossed my arms. "What if I am?" I leaned in, my face inches from Janet's. "What're you gonna do about it?"

"You could kiss-"

"RALPHIE!"

"Sorry!"

Janet laughed and sat back down. "Whatever, you've got nothing on me."

"Janet's innocent, guys!" Ralphie and I turned to face Arnold.

"Dude," Ralphie placed his hand on Arnold's shoulder, "we've been over this- your cousin is evil. If she were a shoe, she'd be a croc; if she were a movie, she'd be Twilight; if she-"

"But she's not!" Arnold interrupted. "She's misunderstood!"

Janet shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know," she said thoughtfully, "I'm kind of evil."

Arnold glared at her. "You're not helping yourself here."

"Whatever, as long as I'm not paying for these fries, they can think what they want. They taste like grease and potatoes."

Arnold rolled his eyes before turning back to us. "What she means," he explained, "is that while she has done some bad things in the past, and while she _may_ enjoy a Bucky burger, she couldn't have stolen Ralphie's lunch- she's been with me all day."

"Maybe she slipped away," Ralphie offered. "Crazy things happen when you go to the bathroom. Besides, she's been dying to get revenge on me ever since I took one of her chips, you know that."

"Well, maybe you shouldn't steal other people's food-"

"Shh…" Ralphie placed a finger on Janet's lips. "This isn't about you"

"Actually, it is-"

"Shh…"

I grabbed Ralphie's arm. "Well, we need to get going, don't we Ralphie?"

"Actually, I'm so hungry I could be a country-"  
"RALPHIE!"  
Ralphie cleared his throat. "Ya, we'd better get going."

Quickly, I dragged Ralphie out of the restaurant. Once we were a good distance away, I turned to my comrade. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Hungary's a stupid name for a country?"

"What? No-" I rubbed my temples. "I mean, Janet definitely took your burger."

"Oh, yeah," Ralphie nodded, "she's totally the thief. Now how do we prove it?"

I thought hard for a second. "We need witnesses, and I know just the gossip."

**September 25, 2012**

**1:30 pm**

**Walkerville Park**

Soon enough, we reached Walkerville Park, a favorite hang out spot for our friends when we weren't all hanging out in Arnold's basement. As I expected, 2 of our friends were at the duck pond- Phoebe, who was throwing bread out to the ducks, and our next target- Keesha, the most plugged in girl at school. Seeing us, Phoebe happily waved us over while Keesha gave a quick nod towards us.

"What's up?" Keesha greeted as we arrived.

"Investigating a robbery," Ralphie responded lightly, "and you?"

Phoebe shrugged. "Increasing awesome, decreasing suck, feeding ducks- the usual."

Keesha stepped forward, noticing my quietness. "Well, do you need our help or something?"

"Actually, yes," I responded nonchalantly, not wanting to seem desperate. "I suppose we could use your help."

Keesha raised a brow, probably surprised that someone as intellectually advanced as myself could need the help of such an average human. "Well, spill."

"Well, my burger was stolen-"

"You're _still_ worried about that?" Keesha sounded exasperated. Apparently Ralphie had been pretty vocal about the theft at lunch.

Phoebe stood up. "If you want, I could buy you a new burger," she offered quietly.

"It's not the burger, it's the principle." I explained quickly. "Anyway, we have reasons to suspect Janet took the burger after the whole chip incident and we wanted to get your take on it."

Keesha thought for a second. "That does sound pretty Janet-like, but I don't think she was at lunch."

"She wasn't." Phoebe cut in. We all turned to her, surprised at her acute knowledge of Janet's whereabouts. "She always makes sure to spit in my food when she sees me," she explained. I nodded, knowing Janet had a grudge against Phoebe for some unknown reason.

Ralphie sighed. "Well then, who took my burger?" He cried, stomping his feet on the ground.

"Well," Keesha said, interrupting Ralphie's tantrum, "I can tell you this- no one new was at lunch. If you're going to find this thief, you're going to have to search a bit closer to home."

"Carlos lives near you, right DA?"

"Wait," Keesha cut in, "I meant metaphorically, you'll have to search-"

I snapped. "Of course! He only lives, like, 2 blocks away!"

"What I meant was-"

Ralphie grabbed my arm. "Well, let's go! Thanks girls!" Ralphie and I rushed off towards Carlos' house, leaving behind our friends and a flock of hungry ducks.

**September 25, 2012**

**2:10 pm**

**Carlos's House**

Walking up to the Ramon house, it was evident that something was wrong. The front door was ajar, and I could here wailing from deep inside. Signaling Ralphie to be quiet, we crept up to the front door, Ralphie making sure to pump the water gun he held in case of an emergency. I listened for a few seconds, straining my ears to pick up any words, but the wailing was impossible to make out. I looked over to Ralphie and began counting down to 1 on my fingers. On the count of 1, Ralphie kicked the door down and jumped inside, holding his gun up, ready to shoot.

Inside the house was Carlos, who was sitting on the floor crying, and Mikey, who was awkwardly trying to comfort his brother. Upon our entrance, both looked up, surprised. Immediately, Carlos jumped up and ran over to me.

"Oh, DA," he sobbed, burying his face into my shirt, "you have to help me!"

I shoved Carlos off of me and grabbed him by the shoulders. "Pull yourself together!" I shouted, shaking him violently. After a few more minutes of blubbering, Carlos seemed to pull himself together enough to explain the situation.

"I got home," Carlos told, his eye seeming distant and lost, "and went to work on my homework. While, after working for a few minutes, I decided I wanted a snack. I went over to the fridge, but-" Carlos had to stop for a second, struggling to keep his composure. "It was gone."

Ralphie and I flashed each other a look of surprise before turning back to Carlos. "What was?" I asked sensitively, as a mother would with her child.

"My cake!" He cried, falling into another fit of tears. "My special birthday cake- the last piece- it was all gone! You have to find it, DA- please!" Carlos looked up at me, his dark eyes wide and hopeful.

Kneeling down beside Carlos, I put a comforting hand on his shoulder. "We'll figure this out," I swore to the boy, "I promise." I gave Carlos a small smile, and he pulled me into a tight hug.

"Thank you," he whispered, his breath tickling my ear. I felt a shiver go down my spine- because his breath tickled, mind you, _not _because I have a crush on him. Which I don't. I stood up and pulled Carlos onto his feet.

"Ralphie," I directed, "Keep Carlos company. Mikey, I need to talk to you." Without another word, Ralphie took Carlos into the living room while Mikey and I settled down around the dining table.

"So, Mikey," I began, pulling out a notepad, "What do you know?"

Mikey thought for a second. "Well… Carlos left early this morning for school, leaving me to myself," he told me as I scribbled in the notepad. "Before he got home, a friend of his stopped by- Wanda, I think her name was. She said they had a project to work on, so I let her in. I-"

"Wait a second," I interrupted. "Wanda was here? For how long?"

"Only a few minutes," Mikey responded thoughtfully. "She said she'd gotten what she needed and then rushed out."

Quickly, I leapt up from the table and rushed into the living room. "Ralphie," I ordered. Ralphie looked at me and nodded, not another word needed to explain the situation. Giving Carlos a last supporting pat on the back, Ralphie ran out of the house, myself not to far behind.

"Good luck!" I heard Carlos shout to us from the house, and I knew that we had all the luck we'd need.

**September 25, 2012**

**2:50 pm**

**Wanda's House**

Breathlessly, Ralphie and I arrived at Wanda's home. Needing a few minutes to catch my breath, I sat down on the lawn and started reviewing the facts. Wanda had almost definitely taken Carlos's cake, though I couldn't imagine why, other than the fact that she was Wanda, but why would she want to take Ralphie's burger? It could be a coincidence that the 2 events occurred within 3 hours of each other, but my gut told me that there was something more going on here. And was Janet really innocent? Who else was involved in this conspiracy? I felt like the closer I came to the answer, the foggier the whole case became.

Shaking the thoughts from my head, I stood up.

"You ready?" Ralphie asked, walking up beside me. I nodded, and wordlessly we walked up to the front door. I gave the door 3 short knocks, and soon enough, it opened, revealing a young boy.

"Can I help you?" William, Wanda's younger, less obnoxious brother, asked quietly.

I nodded. "Actually, we need to know the whereabouts of your sister for the past hour. Do you happen to know where she was?"

Timidly, William nodded. "Yes, she's been here."

"Are you sure?" I asked, trying to suppress my surprise. I couldn't have been wrong about Wanda, could I?

Before William could speak, Ralphie cut in. "You smell like cake and deceit, William."

I frowned, fearing my partner had finally lost it. "What are you talking about, Ralphie?"

"He's lying." Ralphie explained. "He won't make eye contact- a sure sign of lying. I'd bet anything that Wanda gave him some cake if he covered for her."

I looked down to William. "Is that true?" I asked, shocked only for a second that Wanda would pull her little brother into her schemes.

As William gave the slightest of nods, a crash came from the back of the house. "She's escaping!" Ralphie shouted. We rushed around to the back of the house just in time to see Wanda disappearing over the back of the fence.

"Dammit!" Ralphie and I quickly leapt the fence and landed in the neighbor's yard, where a fierce looking poodle awaited us. Seeing Ralphie freeze up, I grabbed his arm and pulled him to the front yard, where we could leap another fence and escape the menacing mutt.

Looking around, I quickly caught sight of Wanda running towards the highway. I took off after her, hoping to cut her off at the road, but at the last minute she turned onto a small side road. Realizing we weren't too far behind, Wanda began knocking down trashcans and recycling bins, hoping to slow us down. "You'll never catch me!" She screamed.

After making it out of the alley, Wanda made a beeline for Walkerville Elementary School. "She's gonna climb the playground!" I heard Ralphie moan. "She's knows she's a better climber than us!"

As Ralphie predicted, Wanda rushed up the rope ladder and onto the jungle gym. I smirked. "Thank God she's an idiot," I muttered. "Ralphie, cover the slide- we're going to trap her." With Ralphie covering the slide and me at the foot of the ladder, Wanda was trapped. Reluctantly, she threw her hands up.

After her surrender, Ralphie and I had little trouble getting Wanda down from the jungle gym and tying her up to the swings.

"Why'd you do it, Wanda?" I paced in front of her, hoping to intimidate her, like a spider crawling around its catch before devouring it.

Wanda spat at me. "Why do you think?" She snarled. "Because Carlos got to have his freakin' birthday cake last Monday and I have to wait 8 months until I get mine!"

Ralphie frowned. "I'm sure he would've shared-"

"Oh, please." Wanda rolled her eyes. "You've seen him with birthday cake- the day he shares it will be the day pigs fly."

"Okay, that all makes sense," I said thoughtfully, "but why steal Ralphie's burger?"

Wanda raised her brow. "Burger?"

"My burger!" Ralphie screamed, stepping threateningly towards Wanda. "What's you do with it, whore?"

Wanda shook her head. "I dunno' anything about any burgers, capice? I'm just a girl who wanted some cake!"

"You had to take it, though!"

"Well I didn't!"

Sighing, I turned and headed towards home. I was going to need to rethink some things.

**September 25, 2012**

**8:30 pm**

**Dorothy Ann's Bedroom**

Nothing. Hours of investigation, of interrogation, of fighting and deceit, all for naught. Just when the answer was within my grasp- stolen, like a precious gem on display in a large, weakly guarded museum. The evidence was all here, but what was it saying?

Sighing, I looked back at my evidence. What was I missing? Someone with a taste for burgers, that's what.

And then it hit me.

**September 25, 2012**

**9:05 pm**

**?**

"It was you," I told the figure in front of me bluntly. "You're the only one with the opportunity and the love of burgers."

"You got any evidence to back up that talk?"

I smirked. "Plenty. I figured out early on that the thief had to be someone who's a part of the group- who else could take the burger without anyone else noticing? At first I suspected Janet, but we know that she and Arnold weren't at lunch today. Tim couldn't have taken it- he and Wanda sit on the opposite end of the table, and someone would've noticed them reaching across to take the burger. Carlos didn't need the burger; he was saving his appetite to eat his cake after school, and Phoebe wouldn't have taken it- she's got too many morals, plus she's a vegetarian. And Keesha hates listening to other people complain, and would never have provoked it through theft. Which leaves you; you ate the burger, didn't you?"

"Fine, I confess!" He exclaimed. "I, Ralphie Tennelli, ate my own burger!"

"I still don't understand," I confessed. "Why say it was stolen?"

Ralphie sighed. "I finished my burger," he explained, "but I was still hungry- Bucky's has been reducing it's burgers lately- so, when Wanda got up to get some ketchup, I followed her and complained, hoping to score some sympathy food. But Wanda wouldn't give me any, so I asked her what I should do."

"You asked Wanda for advice?"

"I was desperate!" Ralphie cried. "Anyway, she said that you might buy me a new burger if I told you mine was stolen."

I shook my head. "So, this was all Wanda's idea?"

Ralphie nodded. "I'm sorry," he said softly. "I didn't think you'd go to this much trouble for me. I thought you'd just buy me a burger and let it be."

"It's okay," I replied. "I guess I did have fun playing detective."

He smiled at me. "Well, good! You've been working too hard lately." Yawning, Ralphie stood up and headed towards his house. "I'd better get to bed. You need a ride home?"

I shook my head. I still had one more stop to make.

**September 25, 2012**

**9:30 pm**

**Wanda's House**

Walking up to the Li residence, I was surprised to see Wanda sitting on the front step. Seeing me, she gave a small smile and patted the spot beside her invitingly. Once I sat down, she turned to face me.

"Ralphie spilled, huh?"

"Like a glass of milk in an earthquake."

Wanda snorted. "I figured he would."

"So why'd you do it?"

Wanda smiled. "The brilliant Dorothy Ann couldn't figure it out?" Seeing my glare, she let out a laugh. "Calm down, I'm only messing with you! Anyway, I needed a cover- I figured if everyone were worrying over the hamburger, no one would have time to investigate Carlos's missing cake. Unfortunately, no one really cared about Ralphie's missing burger, so it didn't work."

"It was a good plan," I responded after a second of thought. "It would've worked if our friends were more concerned about each others misfortunes."

Wanda stood up and stretched. "Well, you should probably get home, huh? It is a school night, after all."

After a quick goodnight, Wanda went inside and I started walking home, satisfied at a job well done. The case was finally closed.

And then I froze.

The case couldn't be over. Not yet.

As much as Wanda loved to cause trouble, she couldn't plan an elaborate robbery. She couldn't make up a scheme that came this close to working.

And then I noticed the little things.

How had Tim disappeared from the cafeteria? The room was huge, and the exit was much to far away for him to have left. How did Arnold and Janet get to Bucky's and get food before Ralphie and I arrived? We left school early to investigate a robbery, but there's no way they had a pass to skip class. Why had there been ducks in the pond? It was nearly October- the birds had all migrated.

No, the case wasn't over yet. There was something fishy going on, and I had a good feeling I knew who was behind it.

**September 25, 2012**

**?:?**

**?**

Suddenly, Dorothy Ann's eyes snapped open. Looking around, she found herself in an unfamiliar room. She slowly sat up and began taking in her surroundings. She was currently sitting on a bed- an incredibly comfy one at that- with pale blue sheets. The room was mostly bare, consisting solely of the bed she was on and a small dresser next to a metallic door. The walls, a soft yellow color, were also metal and strangely lacked any pictures or windows, and next to the dark blue carpet, looked very much like the sun on a clear day. Dorothy Ann was sure she had never seen such a room before, yet an odd sense of nostalgia came over her as she looked around.

Standing up, she took a deep breath and wandered over to the metal door. To her surprise, it immediately slid open, giving way to a long hallway of the same yellow color. She peeked out to the hallway, and could see 3 or 4 more doors, maybe leading to other bedrooms, along the wall, and a larger one at the very end. Cautiously, she stepped out into the hallway and, seeing as no alarms went off, decided that it was okay for her to walk about.

Walking down the hallway, Dorothy Ann tried to recall how she got here, but her mind was blank. The last thing she remembered was falling asleep the day before, feeling excited for some reason or another. What was supposed to happen today? As hard as she tried, Dorothy Ann couldn't figure it out. At last, she reached the end of the hall. In front of her, the large door slid open, revealing only darkness. Dorothy Ann jumped back surprised, but a quick glance around the hall showed this to be her most promising exit. Gathering her nerves, she stepped through the door as confidently as possible. Suddenly, she became blinded as a bright light was turned on.

"SURPRISE!" Her eyes adjusting, Dorothy Ann looked around the large room and was greeted by the happy faces of her friends (and Janet).

Startled, Dorothy Ann fell backwards. "What the hell?"

Carlos let out a loud laugh as he placed his arm around her shoulder. "Did we scare you?"

"What's going on?" DA shouted, frantically looking around. "Where are we?"

"Calm down, DA," Keesha stepped forward. "It's your birthday party."

"M-my birthday?" Dorothy Ann stammered, before she remembered. It was September 25- of course it was her birthday! "Wait, this is my party?"

Keesha shrugged. "It'd better be, or we bought the wrong cake."

"So did we scare you?" Carlos repeated, the goofy grin still on his face.

DA shrugged his arm off of her. "Not scared," she corrected, "just… startled."

"Sure…"  
Dorothy Ann rolled her eyes before confusion set in again. "Wait, where are we?" She couldn't help but notice her friends give each other a sly grin before answering.

"Well," Tim replied, "we know that you've been kinda nervous about us entering high school and everything, so we wanted to do something really memorable."

"So you kidnapped me?"

"Not 'kidnapped'," Ralphie cut in, "Just… Actually, I guess we did kidnap you. Anyway, we hired some help-"

"A party planner?"

Ralphie thought for a second. "Sure. We got some help, and planned the plan of all plans."

"And what would 'the plan of all plans' be, exactly?"

Carlos grinned. "Buy presents, hang decorations-"

"Take chances, make mistakes, and get messy!"

Quickly, Dorothy Ann turned around to the source of the voice and gasped. "Ms. Frizzle!" Elatedly, she rushed to her ex-teacher and pulled her into a tight hug.

After a few seconds, Ms. Frizzle pulled back and gave Dorothy Ann a huge smile. "The class told me that they wanted to do something special," she explained, "So they came to me and asked me for help. Well, I remembered that you always had such an avid interest in space, so…"

Suddenly, one of the walls slid away, showing off a huge window looking out into deep space. Gasping, Dorothy Ann ran over to the window and peered out at a world of galaxies, stars, planets, and asteroids.

"So, do you like it?" Carlos asked, walking up beside her. "Because if you do, it was all my idea. If not, then curse Wanda for her stupid plans."

DA turned to Carlos. "I love it!" She responded, tears forming in her eyes as she pulled Carlos into a hug. "Thank you."

**September 25, 2012**

**2:30 pm**

**The Bus Dining Room**

"Who knew that cake tasted so much better in space?" Wanda commented enthusiastically, her mouth completely full of the sweet substance.

After receiving the surprise of the century, Dorothy Ann was whisked away by her friends to an elaborate dining room, complete with balloons, streamers, a birthday cake, and an enormous pile of presents. DA immediately began tearing through the gifts, and was soon reminded why she never let her friends shop for her (who actually wanted a Scooby-Doo Chia Pet?). Once the last present had been opened, the group sat around the table to enjoy good times and eat cake.

"So, now that the cat is out of its metaphorical bag," Dorothy Ann began as Wanda quieted down, "Can you fill me in on a few details?"

Arnold nodded. "Sure, what do you want to know?"

"Why is Janet here?"

Janet scoffed. "Hey, I came here to help with _your _birthday out of the goodness of my heart; you'd better treat me nicely, or I'll happily return your present."

DA glared at the redhead. "You didn't buy me a present, Janet."

"Well, maybe I would've if you were nicer to me."

"We needed Janet here to complete the surprise," Ms. Frizzle cut in. "In order to make sure you didn't wake up before the party was set up, we used the Dreaminator to keep you fast asleep."

Dorothy Ann frowned. "The Dreaminator?"

"An invention of my own design," Ms. Frizzle explained. "The Dreaminator sends people into a deep sleep by creating an elaborate dream sequence. To keep the dream running smoothly, up to 3 people can enter the dream at any given time using the special helmets."

"We designed 'The Case of the Missing Hamburger' a few days ago," Tim continued. "Once you were asleep, all we had to do was enter your dream and read our lines. Unfortunately, Janet here was a necessary component to keep the plot moving, so she had to come up here with us."

Janet crossed her arms. "You don't have to sound so upset by it," she pouted.

"So wait," DA thought for a second. "You guys invaded my dream?"

Ralphie nodded. "Isn't that awesome?"

"It's… kinda creepy."

"I guess." Ralphie became quiet for a second. "You can still buy me a burger if you want."

"Nothing _hammy_ about that suggestion!"

"Carlos!" The group groaned, before breaking into a fit of laughter. The rest of the night was full of fun, dancing, and terrible singing as the group celebrated, all happy to be reunited with their old teacher once more.

All, that is, except for Ralphie, who never did get a hamburger.

**And with that, I reach the end of yet another chapter! I hope you enjoy!**

**On a different note, I could use some help writing these chapters in the future. If anyone would like to offer some assistance, PM me and I can send some more details.**


	4. Bad Day

"Are you okay?" Carlos asked the disgruntled Ralphie walking beside him. Drawn away from his own thoughts, Ralphie stared at Carlos for a few seconds before turning to his locker and fiddling with the lock.

All morning, Ralphie had seemed out of it, constantly deep in thought, unaware of the world around him. Carlos had only seen the normally happy-go-lucky boy like this a few times before, generally after an argument or telling a lie. This antisocial behavior usually meant that Ralphie was racked with guilt over something or another. If the past were any indicator, Ralphie could act this way for a while, and catatonic Ralphie was not fun. Therefore, Carlos took it upon himself to get the other boy to open up.

Leaning against a nearby locker, Carlos rolled his eyes. "Well, try not to overwhelm me," he muttered sarcastically. At his own locker, Ralphie glared at Carlos.

"Can I help you?" Ralphie hissed, eyes narrowed.

"So you do speak," Carlos smirked, "now care to explain the temper tantrum, Judy?"

Slamming his locker, Ralphie shook his head. "I'm not really in the mood for this, Carlos."

"Aw, come on!" Carlos whined, following his friend. "Talk to me! It'll make you feel better!"

"I don't think that's true."

"Fine," Carlos retorted. "In that case, I'll just follow you all day."

Smoothly, Ralphie spun to face Carlos. "Will you just go away?" He pled.

"Nope."

"I just…" Ralphie groaned. "Look, I did something stupid, okay?"

Carlos frowned as Ralphie began storming away. "Wait, what'd you do?"

"I hurt someone's feelings."

"Whose?" Carlos pushed on, pleased to finally be getting somewhere.

"Phoebe's."

"Phoebe's?" Carlos let out a laugh. "That's what this is all about?"

"What's so funny?" Ralphie snapped, face going red.

Carlos stopped his laughter and put a reassuring hand on Ralphie's shoulder. "Well… It's Phoebe," Carlos explained. "Just apologize. She's not going to hold a grudge."

Rubbing his temples, Ralphie slowed down. "I can't."

"Feeling shy?"

"Wha- no, I- oh, nevermind, you'll laugh."

"No no no, I won't- really!" Carlos promised.

Doubtfully, Ralphie eyed Carlos for a few seconds before finally giving in. "I forget what I did."

"You… forget?" Ralphie nodded. Looking away from the Italian, Carlos tried to suppress a laugh.

"See? You're laughing!"

"No I'm not! I-" Carlos took a deep breath, trying to regain his composure, "it's just… Wasn't that the plot of an episode of Friends?"

"I knew I shouldn't have said anything…" Ralphie fumed. "See you later."

As Ralphie briskly walked away, Carlos let out a chuckle. "His life just crossed the line into being completely ridiculous," he muttered to himself before turning and walking towards Geometry.

"And that, class, is a brief history of documentaries. Any questions?"

From his seat in the back of the classroom, Tim rolled his eyes. Mr. Harmon, his Multimedia 1 teacher, had been rambling about the origin of documentaries for nearly an hour and had been anything but brief. Looking up the clock, Tim sighed in relief- only 5 more minutes until the bell rang for lunch. Returning his attention to the front of the room, Tim saw Mr. Harmon passing out some papers.

"This paper," Mr. Harmon explained, "contains the directions for your first project." Tim perked up. Until now, the class had consisted solely of Mr. Harmon's less-than-thrilling lectures. A project meant that he would finally get to direct his own film, which had been the whole point of enrolling in Multimedia in the first place. "Your task will be to film your own documentary based on the topic you've been assigned. You will have until Winter Break to create a 25-minute film. If you have any questions about your featurette, see me at lunch. Class dismissed," Mr. Harmon finished just as the bell rang.

Looking down at his paper, Tim smirked. By some stroke of luck, he'd been assigned friendship- an easy enough topic for a boy with 7 good friends whom he'd known since 3rd grade. Satisfied, Tim strolled out of the classroom towards the cafeteria.

By the time Phoebe arrived in the cafeteria, lunch was already in full swing. Ever since she had sprained her ankle on the day of the fair, Phoebe had been forced to use crutches to get around- tools which, in hindsight, seemed to be hindering her more than helping as she strolled into lunch late for the fourth time that week. Awkwardly, she navigated the large, open room, avoiding any signs of conflict. At long last, she made it the table where she and her friends always sat. Relieved, Phoebe flumped down into an empty seat.

"…it was just me and the beast, alone in the ocean, when he dived forward and- Pheebs!" Wanda exclaimed, just seeing the brunette. "Tell them about how I fought 'The Beast of Walkerville Lake.' Someone," she explained, closely eyeing Arnold, "doesn't believe it happened."

Phoebe opened her mouth to respond when she was interrupted. "Not now Wanda," Ralphie ordered.

"Oh thank God," Phoebe muttered, "I did not have a response prepared."

Ralphie chuckled for a second before getting to the point. "Look, I feel terrible."

Phoebe frowned. "Um… I'm sorry. Can I help?"

"I need you to forgive me."

"What?"

Ralphie sighed. "Look, I hurt your feelings and I feel awful-"

"Right- uh, when exactly did you hurt my feelings?"

Ralphie eyed Phoebe, confused. "Yesterday," he replied plainly. "Don't you remember?"

"Um…" Phoebe stopped to think for a moment. "Well… I guess I kinda remember being upset about something."

"Awesome! What did I do?"

"Huh?"

"What did I do?" Ralphie repeated. "I really need to apologize, but I can't remember what I did. How ridiculous is that?"

"Ralphie, I have no idea what you're talking about," Phoebe responded gently. "I hardly remember the incident." Seeing Ralphie slam his head down onto the table, Phoebe winced. "I'll forgive you anyway, if it'd help…"

At that moment, Tim excitedly ran up to the table. "Guess whose making a documentary for their Multimedia class?"

To Tim's dismay, his excitement was only met with a few unenthused groans. Before Tim could elaborate, the cafeteria was filled with a familiar yelling.

"YOU'RE BEING RIDICULOUS!"

"I'M RIDICOULOUS? I HATE TO TELL YOU, BUT YOU'RE THE ONE THROWING A HISSY-FIT, PIGTAILS!"

"IF YOU HADN'T NOTICED, WE ARE BOTH THROWING A TANTRUM, MS. I'M-TOO-COOL-FOR-EVERYONE-AND-EVERYTHING-AROUND-ME !"

"NICE NICKNAME!"

"THANK YOU-"

"IT WAS SARCASM!"

Wanda frowned. "Please tell me those aren't our friends."

Turning around, Phoebe looked at the scene before her. "Those are our friends."

"Awesome," Wanda muttered sarcastically as Dorothy Ann and Keesha approached the table.

"What's going on?" Arnold asked timidly.

"Well," DA began, glaring at the other girl, "_someone_ is trying to destroy my future political career."

"You're not the only one who wants to have a successful future, you know!" Keesha retorted.

DA rolled her eyes. "Well, maybe I've been planning this future since I was 5. _Maybe_ my dreams are just a little greater than yours!"

"Arnold, what do you think?" Keesha barked. "Who should be class president- me, or a codependent, selfish, pain in the ass?"

Arnold stared at Keesha fearfully, his face screaming 'deer-in-the-headlights'. "Wh-Why me?" he stuttered.

"Because- Phoebe won't answer, Ralphie is catatonic, Wanda is to stupid to make a decision like this, Carlos is in love with my opponent, and Tim seems too happy to really count."

DA snorted. "Way to appeal to the masses, Ms. I'm-Too-Cool-For-"

"Shut up!"

Trembling, Arnold looked to the rest of the group for support. Carlos shrugged. "Her logic is sound."

"Well…" Arnold stammered, "you both make good cases-"

"Oh, give it a rest!" Keesha groaned, exasperated. "Either take a stand or shut up." Angrily, Keesha exited the cafeteria.

"So…" Carlos turned to DA. "We still hanging out tonight?"

"Oh, sure. Now, KEESHA, GET BACK HERE! I'M NOT DONE WITH YOU!"

A few moments of silence passed before Tim opened his mouth. "My movie's about friendship."

"Great timing."

Sadly, Tim looked down at his camera. "I'll, uh… I'll start this later." Quickly, Tim scuttled out of the room.

"Well then-"

"Don't you dare make a joke, Carlos."

"Yes Wanda."

A few hours later, Carlos was standing at his locker packing his backpack when he heard a crash from behind him. Chuckling, he turned around and offered out a hand. "Nice to see you to, Phoebe."

Groaning, Phoebe accepted the gesture and unsteadily got to her feet. "Thanks," she muttered sheepishly.

"Still not used to the crutches?"

"Not exactly…"

Shaking his head, Carlos turned back to his locker and continued to pack his bag. "What's up?"

"Actually, I need your help."

Carlos frowned. In all the years he'd known his friends, no one had ever gone to him for help- and with good reason. Carlos wasn't exactly the most reliable person of the group, so generally speaking, DA or Arnold was a better source of aid. "Are you sure I'm the best person to ask?"

Phoebe nodded. "Keesha and DA are still fighting, Wanda's… Well, Wanda is Wanda, Arnold wants no part in anything, and Tim keeps telling me to 'smile for the camera.'"

"And Ralphie?"

"Well, that's what I need help with."

Nodding, Carlos shut his locker and began walking with Phoebe towards the front doors of the school. "Does this have something to do with him being a sulking train wreck?"

Again, Phoebe nodded. "He's still obsessing over this apologizing thing."

"And what do you want me to do?"

"Could you talk to him?" Phoebe begged. "I'm starting to get worried."

Carlos sighed. "I want to help, Pheebs, but Ralphie is going to freak out about this until he either apologizes or dies. Something about his moral code and never betraying a friend or something like that…"

"Dies?" Phoebe's eyes widened in concern.

Carlos furrowed his brow. "Fine," he clarified, "maybe not _dies_ per se. My point is, what do you want me to do?"

"I don't know," Phoebe cried. "You're his best friend, you've got to be able to help!"

Carlos looked over to Phoebe. She looked close to tears, a fact that bugged Carlos to no end. Phoebe had been like a younger sister to him since 3rd grade and he hated seeing her so upset. The problem was that he knew she would stress out until Ralphie was back to his old self, and Carlos wasn't sure that he could make that happen. Still, if Phoebe wanted him to help so badly, he supposed the least he could do was try. "I'll talk to him," Carlos responded reluctantly, "but I don't think it'll do much good. Ralphie's pretty stubborn; he's not going to just let this go."

Phoebe broke out in a grin. "Thank you, Carlos," she exclaimed, jovial. Feeling his brotherly instincts take over, Carlos grinned back and pulled the girl into a tight hug.

"Anytime, Pheebs." A few seconds later, the embrace ended and with a quick 'thank you' and 'goodbye,' and Phoebe hobbled over to the parking lot where Ms. Tennelli was waiting for her.

After making sure Phoebe got to the car safely- a genuine concern in regards to his uncoordinated friend- Carlos began walking home, mentally planning a way to get Ralphie back to his old self. He'd made it all of 3 steps when his thoughts were interrupted once more.

"I'm a better candidate than Keesha, aren't I?" DA questioned, running up along side the boy.

Carlos frowned. "Isn't your house that way?" He asked, motioning the other way up the street.

"I mean, maybe she's got the confidence to be class president, but what does she know about politics?" DA continued, oblivious to Carlos' previous comment.

Sighing, Carlos grabbed the blonde's shoulders and manually turned her around. "I guess I'm walking you home…" He muttered to himself.

"What do you think Carlos? Who would make a better class president?"

Carlos rolled his eyes. "Well, since no one cares about school politics," he replied plainly, "I would say that it really,_ really _doesn't matter."

Dorothy Ann let out a gasp. "How can you say that?"

"Something to do with vocal cords, from what I've been told."

"Not that!" DA growled. "I meant how could you not care?"

Sighing, Carlos stopped and looked DA in the eyes. "Dorothy Ann- what does the class president do?"

"The class president helps to make sure the school is running smoothly and-"

"But what does the class president actually do?" Carlos repeated, clearly growing irritated.

DA frowned. "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that 'class president' is an empty title, and that giving up your friendship with Keesha over it is stupid." Carlos explained, starting to walk towards DA's house once again.

Beside him, DA mulled over his words for a few minutes. Finally, the duo reached DA's house. Carlos smiled, seeing that DA had taken his words to heart. "So, are you going to apologize to Keesha?"

"Actually, I was just planning out my platform. Can you help me pull together a campaign?"

Carlos stared at DA in disbelief for a few seconds before turning away from her and walking back to his house.

"Why do people always pick on me?" Arnold whined. Currently, he and Wanda were hanging out in Arnold's basement. The rest of the group had been invited of course, but the other 6 seemed to be caught up in their own issues. Following the events at lunch, Arnold had become concerned about his position within the gang and was now trying to deduce why it was always he that ended up thrown under the bus. "Is it my hair? Are they all jealous of my hair?"

Wanda rolled her eyes. "Yes Arnold," she responded, sarcasm dripping from her voice, "we pick on you because we wish we had your hair."

Arnold groaned. "Am I obsessing over this?"

"Sure," Wanda muttered, clearly only half-listening.

Arnold threw a pillow at the Asian girl. "I'm serious, Wan- everyone is always pushing me around! Why is that?"

Wanda glared at the pillow for a few seconds before directing her attention back towards Arnold. "Well, no offense Arn, but you're kind of a wimp." Arnold raised a brow. "I mean, you never take a stand; you never do anything crazy; you spend all your time worrying. You're an easy target because we know that you won't do anything about it."

Arnold thought for a few seconds. "You're right…" he spoke thoughtfully. "I am a wimp."

Wanda let out a laugh. "I'm glad I could help! Now, can we play Mario Kart?"

"Not now, Wanda!" Arnold exclaimed, jumping up. "Don't you see? All my life, I've let people use me and take advantage of me. Well, I'm finally going to do something about it!"

"Does that something involve playing Mario Kart with your friend?"

"No!" Arnold cried. "I'm going to do something big, something crazy! I'm going to turn over a new leaf! I'm going to take control of my life!" Enthusiastically, Arnold marched out of the room.

Wanda frowned and looked around the empty basement. A few seconds later, Arnold reentered the room and sat down on the couch next to Wanda. "Actually, everyone is pretty busy," he explained. "I can always turn over a new leaf tomorrow."

Wanda shook her head, a small grin playing at her lips. "I hope this ends up being as ridiculous as I thinks it's going to be."

"What's so ridiculous?" Arnold tilted his head slightly. "I could be crazy- you know, if I really wanted to."

"Sure…" Wanda stood up, turned on the TV, and tossed Arnold a controller. "Now come on, psycho, let's race."

The next day, Tim awoke with a grin on his face. Sure, yesterday hadn't gone exactly as planned, but today was a new day. Today, his friends would be in a better mood, and they would help him with his film, and he would finally get to be a director- even if it was just for some crappy school project. Happily, Tim skipped down the stairs, grabbed a slice of toast, and ran out the door. His parents wouldn't care that he had gone out- they knew that Tim was a good kid, so on the weekends, he was free to do as he liked.

Tim ran down a mental checklist of where his friends would be. Seeing as it was a Saturday morning, Carlos, Wanda, and Ralphie would still be sleeping. DA would be wide awake by now, but would probably be volunteering down at the local library. Arnold was a wild card- nearly impossible to find at this time of the day; and Phoebe was staying with Ralphie for whatever reason, so he couldn't very well interview her without bothering the other boy. That would leave Keesha; she would be at the park, getting an early start on her homework. With a destination set, Tim pulled out his bicycle and began riding.

10 minutes later, Tim was wandering Walkerville Park. Almost immediately, he spotted Keesha in a pavilion, a few books stacked beside her. However, to his surprise, she wasn't alone. Instead, Keesha was standing up having what looked like a heated discussion with Dorothy Ann. Frowning, Tim approached the 2 girls.

Once DA and Keesha noticed Tim, their conversation died down and an awkward silence filled the air. "Tim," Keesha finally spoke, clearly unhappy about being interrupted, "I uh… I didn't expect to see you here."

Tim held up his video camera. "I was hoping to interview you for my documentary, but if you're busy…"

"It's fine," DA responded curtly. "I'm sure Keesha could find some time in her oh-so-busy agenda to be interviewed."

Keesha glared at the blonde. "And I'm sure that Dorothy Ann would be delighted to join me," she insisted, tone challenging.

"I'm not sure that's a good-"

"Oh, _perfect,_" DA cut in, forcing a grin towards Tim. "I would be _thrilled_ to talk about friendship with my dearest friend Keesha."

"Um… I guess." Quickly, Tim set up his camera at a picnic bench and began asking his questions. "So, uh, what do you guys think makes a good friend?"

"A good friend? Oh, Keesha would know all about that," DA quickly answered, voice sickeningly sweet. "Why don't you answer?"

Keesha faked a smile. "I would love to. I think that a good friend is someone who will support you, no matter what the case-"

"-although that friend should also cut in you're being selfish and not considering the fact that you don't know ANYTHING about politics."

"Well, maybe what your friend doesn't realize is that they can't call dibs on class president and that everyone deserves a chance to run, and MAYBE the reason they're being so defensive is that they know that you could kick their ass any day of the week."

"You SO could not kick my ass! I GREW UP ON THE STREETS!"

"YOU HAD YOUR OWN PRIVATE PASTRY CHEF WHEN YOU WERE 7!"

"AND HE WAS NOT ALWAYS NICE TO ME!"  
"YOU KICKED HIM! A LOT!"

"THAT IS… NEITHER HERE NOR THERE. THE POINT IS YOU SUCK!"

Quietly, Tim turned off his camera. "That should be good…" he mumbled as he quickly picked up his camera, hopped on his bicycle and pedaled away.

"So, Iran is thinking about halting it's enrichment of uranium, huh? Any thoughts?" Looking around the room, Carlos was only met with blank gazes.

It was currently 12:00 pm, and Carlos had decided to stop by the Tennelli residence to talk to Ralphie. Upon arriving, Phoebe had immediately invited Carlos inside. Now, the 2 sat with Ralphie in the living room.

"Nothing? Really?" Carlos sighed as both Ralphie and Phoebe only stared in confusion. "Not a fan of foreign affairs? Fine then…" Seeing as making small talk didn't seem to be helping any, Carlos decided to try a new tactic- tough love. "Ralphie…" Carlos stood up and approached the boy. "If you were a doll marketed towards preteen girls, you'd be a Bratz."

Ralphie looked at Carlos surprised. "What are you talking abo-"

"If you were a type of chicken, you'd be jerk. If you were a mammal of the genus equus, you'd be an ass."

"Carlos," Phoebe cut in, "this isn't what I had in mind when I asked you to help-"

"He needs to hear this, Pheebs!"

Ralphie shook his head. "Look, dude, I feel like you're trying to insult me, but it's before 2 on a Saturday- everything you're saying sounds like gibberish to me."

"Then forget all that," Carlos exclaimed, grabbing Ralphie by the shoulders. "Just hear me now- you are freaking out over nothing. You're being a drama queen, which normally is funny, but in this case you're annoying everybody."

Ralphie pulled away from Carlos, looking hurt. "But I screwed up-"

"So what?" Carlos cried. "Everyone screws up! Keesha and Dorothy Ann are out there right now screwing up their friendship over nothing; Phoebe screwed up her ankle by- what did you do to your ankle anyways Phoebe?"

"I tripped on the sidewalk."

"There you go!" Carlos continued. "Phoebe screwed up her ankle by being Phoebe; hell, I'm probably screwing up this speech by antagonizing everyone I know! Point is, bad things happen to everyone- sure most screw-ups aren't as stupid as yours, but whatever. You've got to let this go. Be more like Phoebe here; instead of making a fuss about your many, many screw-ups, just sit back and let the universe walk all over you. JUST DON'T ACT WEIRD."

After Carlos finished, the room fell into silence. After a few painfully slow minutes, Ralphie looked up at Carlos and glared. "I don't screw things up _that_ often!"

"And I don't let the universe walk all over me," Phoebe joined in, "do I?"

"And how is being upset that you hurt your friend's feelings stupid?"

Carlos sighed. "Okay, clearly I didn't help, so I'm just gonna…" Motioning towards the door, Carlos began backing out of the room. "Ya… Sorry about insulting you guys… Multiple times…" Quickly, Carlos darted out of the house.

"So that's why people don't go to me for help," Carlos muttered to himself as he walked back home.

Upon reaching his home, Carlos was surprised to find Tim sitting on his doorstep.

"Hey Carlos!" Tim sat up enthusiastically. "Can you help me with my documentary? Everyone else is acting crazy."

Bitterly, Carlos turned towards Tim. "I don't know, Tim, can I help? Or am I just going to offend all my closest friends?"

"Uh… Well, I was kinda hoping for the first choice…"

Carlos let out a moan. "Not now Tim, okay? Just… Leave me alone." Carlos stormed into his house, slamming the door behind him.

Outside, Tim looked down at his camera dismayed before sulking back to his bike once more.

That Monday, lunch proved to be an uncomfortable time for everyone. Ralphie still refused to talk to anybody, Carlos and Phoebe were both surprisingly gloomy, Dorothy Ann and Keesha kept exchanging glares, Tim kept looking down at his camera and sighing, Arnold was nowhere to be seen, and Wanda found herself unable to cheer any one of her friends up. In all, the meal was unusually quite. In the midst of the silence, an unfamiliar guest approached the group.

Principal Adams walked up to the table, looking stern as always in his dark suit and tie. "I have an announcement," he began, and immediately all eyes were on him. "Traditionally, we have 2 students run for class president each year. However, this year, we encountered a dilemma- the 9th grade class had 3 nominees for the position. Therefore, we need 1 of the candidates to pull out of the race, and as the 3rd candidate's parents are major benefactors to the school, either Keesha Franklin or Dorothy Ann Ewing will have to drop out of the election."

Both Keesha and Dorothy Ann stared at Principal Adams, eyes wide. "B-but sir," DA stuttered, "We can't just… Drop out, can we?"

"Both Dorothy Ann and I really want that position," Keesha explained. "How could we decide who would quit?"

Principal Adams shrugged. "I don't much care how the decision is made," he answered, "but I need an answer now."

"Well…" Keesha looked at Dorothy Ann, "I'm not about to hand you the election."

"So what, I have to drop out of the race?" DA argued. "How is that fair?"

"How is it not?"

"That's not even a good argument!"

Principal Adams cleared his throat. "If I don't have an answer in the next 10 seconds, I will have no choice but to eliminate you both from the election."

"WHAT?" Frantically the girls began yelling, both at each other and Principal Adams, as the latter began counting down the seconds.

"Ten…"

"This has been my dream forever!" Dorothy Ann cried.

"Nine…"

"So what, because I didn't dream of being class president as a kid, I somehow want the position less?"

"Eight…"

"That's not what I meant Keesha! What I'm saying is I'm not going to just hand you my dreams!"

"Seven…"

"Well, I'm not handing you the election either," Keesha declared, folding her arms.

"Six…"

"So what, that's it? You rather us both get kicked out than simply compromising?"

"Five…"

"How could we compromise?" Keesha argued. "Here's how I see it-"

"Four…"

"If either one of us forfeit, we'd resent the other forever!" Keesha finished.

"So?"

"Three…"

"SO I DON'T WANT TO RESENT YOU!"

"Two…"

Dorothy Ann looked surprised. "Well, I don't want to resent you either…"

"One…"

Keesha frowned. "So what does that leave us with?"

"Time's up," Principal Adam's looked up from his watch. "What's the decision?"

"Principal Adams," Dorothy Ann declared, sitting up straight, "We're both dropping out- for the sake of our friendship." Keesha and Dorothy Ann beamed at each other.

Again, Principal Adams shrugged. "Fine then, Janet Perlstein is the new class president."

"JANET!?" Both the girls cried.

Dorothy Ann shuddered. "This can't be happening, I can't have lost to Janet!" DA glared at Keesha. "This is all your fault!"

Keesha gasped. "My fault? You're the one who wouldn't back out!"

Principal Adams rubbed his temples as the bickering continued. "I have places to be…" He muttered, and quickly he left the cafeteria.

"You know what?" Dorothy Ann exclaimed, "I have places to be too!"

"And I have places to be- places away from you!" Keesha cried. And with that, both Keesha and Dorothy Ann stormed out of the cafeteria.

Wanda let out an uncomfortable laugh. "Man, someone's PMS-ing, huh?"

"Wanda," Carlos growled, exasperated, "Just… just don't, okay?"

"I'm just messing around," Wanda frowned. "What's your deal?"

Carlos stood up from the table. "I'm not in the mood Wanda; just drop it." Solemnly, Carlos followed the lead of Keesha and Dorothy Ann and made his way out of the cafeteria.

Wanda looked up to the large clock hanging in the cafeteria. "Well, it's about time to go… Thank God…I guess I'll see you guys later." And with that, Wanda too exited the room, Ralphie close behind.

At the table, Phoebe looked up at Tim. "So… How's your movie coming along?" She offered, willing lunch to end soon.

"How's my film going?" Tim asked, eyes distant. "You want to know how my film's going?"

"Uh, I was just making small talk. Please don't-"

"As it turns out, one of life's most simple, basic ideas- the concept of 'friendship'- is a corrupt institution that ultimately results in sorrow and heartbreak! I have to make a movie about the positives of a sickness that not even our classmates are immune to! It's time for me to face it, Pheebs- friendship is a lie, and one day, each and every one of us is going to die alone! So how's my film going? Suckishly! And when I fail, I can't even go and cry to my friends because, oh yeah, friendship doesn't exist! That's how my film is going!" Enraged, Tim stood up from the table and strutted towards the door, breaking stride only to shout at Arnold, now entering the cafeteria, "IS THERE NO GOOD LEFT IN HUMANITY?"

Surprised, Arnold approached the table where Phoebe now sat alone. "That was weird," he muttered, provoking a chuckle from the girl. "Should I be worried?"

Phoebe shook her head. "Nah, this will probably influence his art one day."

"Cool." Arnold sat down across from Phoebe. "Anyway, I'm glad you're here."

Phoebe frowned. "Why's that?"

Arnold took a deep breath. "This weekend, while everyone else was apparently going insane, I had an epiphany. I realized that, my entire life, I have let people take advantage of me. Like Friday, when Keesha used me to end her fight, or back in 3rd grade when Ms. Frizzle used my body as a field trip… Twice… So anyway, this weekend I said to myself 'no more!' I've decided to be a better, stronger, less wimpy man!"

"That's good," Phoebe responded, "I hate seeing the others use you."

"It totally sucks right?"

Phoebe nodded. "Completely. But why did you want to tell me all this?"

"Oh, right, the point," Arnold thought for a second. "Well, I'm sure by now you've heard that I have a crush on you, right?"

Phoebe blushed. "Um… No, actually, I've never heard that."

"Oh." Arnold cleared his throat. "Well, I'm sure you've seen me staring at you longingly."  
"Sure, a bunch of times."

"Well, past me would star at you longingly because he was too scared to say anything to you- but no more. From this day on, I've sworn to be a not-pathetic man, and not-pathetic men don't stare at girls, so neither do I. You know, anymore."

"Arnold, what are you saying?"

Arnold smiled. "What I'm saying is that, Phoebe Terese, I would love to take you out on a date sometime. What do you say?"

Phoebe stared at Arnold, shocked. "You're… asking me out?"

Arnold nodded. "And please respond soon, because there's a good chance that I will faint in the next 5 seconds."

"Oh! Well then…" Phoebe thought for a moment before breaking out in a grin. "I would love to go out with you!"

"Really?" And this time, Phoebe nodded. "Wow… This is…"

"Rad?"

"Is rad a thing?"

"I'm trying to bring it back."

Well then," Arnold smiled at Phoebe, "this is definitely, 100% rad."

Grabbing Arnold's hands, Phoebe looked into the boy's eyes. "Maybe there is some good left in humanity after all."

**And with that, another chapter! I hope you enjoy! I know that overall the chapter was more gloomy, but c'est la vie. I hope you enjoyed. Hopefully the next chapter will be out sooner as now it's summer, but I won't make any promises. **

** Also, I could still use some help with this story, so if anyone has any interest, just PM me. Anyway, until next time!**


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